


The little wee lesbian and the noisy tall girl

by Star20



Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, impossible love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:08:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27195574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star20/pseuds/Star20
Summary: "Are you blind? She is very obvious"She? Obvious? Who the hell was she talking about? It couldn't be Michelle, could it?"Do I know her?"Asks the girl still going through a mental mess which seemed to be endless.The girl in front of her nod her head and gave her even a bigger smile whispering to her ear."She is coming"Says Erin with a complicity smile while looking to the bedroom door, Claire follows her eyes and laughs nervously until she hears a voice that makes her heart beat fastly."Hello morherfukers!".......................................................................After a revealing conversation with Erin, Clare Devlin starts looking at someone else in a different light.If you love slow-burn stories this is your place, get ready for a lot of feelings and misunderstandings among our favorite derry girls!Xoxo
Relationships: Clare Devlin/Michelle Mallon, James Maguire & Erin Quinn, James Maguire/Erin Quinn
Comments: 46
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1:the realization

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! How are you? This my first fanfiction about one of my favourite shows right now! Derry girls!
> 
> I love non cannon couples and currently michelle and clare is one of them.I want to thank all writers on this beautiful fandom whose stories are excellent! Keep writing please💪💕

Chapter 1: The realization

Clare devlin was known for being rational and pratical(at least on her own and when the rest of the girls would let her be) she was also very intelligent and as,in her own words, the most clever of the gang, she would most probably be the perfect choice to be in a desert island with. However, Clare was not happy with her emotions and her feelings, she was just not good with them. That's the main reason why she is speechless when erin, her best friend, says the following words, putting Clare's world upside down

"I think you are missing a good catch that is right in front of you"

Happiness? Chance? What the hell was erin trying to say? As far as she is concerned, she is not dating nor into someone at the moment. Her last move was going to the 50's prom with Mae, which was a total disaster. Erin said that her perfect lass was in front of her, was she taking about her? Erin was gay? Was it possible? What about james? Wasn't she into him? At least that's what Erin told her two days before.Was she talking about someone else? James? No way, she is a lesbian, lesbian clare, she needed to catch herself on! Orla? She and Orla? It wouldn't be possibe, she is dating a fella from the north.If it's not Erin, James or Orla, who was it?

Clare's eyes go back to Erin who is still wating for her to aswer properly, she gives her "the look" rising her eyebrows trying to send a message, unfortunately the short girl is clueless.

The little girl looks around her room trying to find her answer, stopping her eyes in a picture of the gang for a moment, there it were, all of them, the people she had met from her entire life, the ones she could trust to be herself. Erin, who was like her sister, James, who would listen to her even when the rest is not even paying attention to any of her speechs,Orla who is always there for her and finally...Michelle, the jing for her jang, her complete opposite, her rival, her frenemie, her best friend, amazingly.As she looked at the picture she noticed how someone from the gang was acting a little not like herself to be honest. The one who Claire never thought would question about. Michelle has been very different to Claire in the last couple of days, looking at her in the eye, sitting with her in the bus, and even agreeing with her plans more than usual.

Claire opened her eyes in shock when a crazy realization crossed her head.

Was Erin talking about Michelle? Was Michelle her catch? Her lass? Was it even possible? Now the short girl was even more in confusion if that was possible. If Erin was referring to Michelle, her friend Michelle, she was most probably on drugs or something similar. Why on earth would her best friend suggest something like that? Michelle and her? Michelle? the girl who likes to kiss protestants and talk about heterosexual sex all the time? No way, Erin was mental, for sure!

"What? Who?"

Is the only thing Claire can ask to her best friend sitting on the bed next to her.There are no words to express her doubts right now.Erin gives the girl a little smile saying something even more crazy than before.

"Are you blind? She is very obvious"

She? Obvious? Who the hell was she talking about? It couldn't be Michelle, could it?

"Do I know her?"

Asks the girl still going through a mental mess which seemed to be endless.The girl in front of her nod her head and gave her even a bigger smile whispering to her ear.

"She is coming"

Says Erin with a complicity smile while looking to the bedroom door, Claire follows her eyes and laughs nervously until she hears a voice that makes her heart beat fastly.

"Hello morherfukers!"


	2. Chapter 2: Who is Mary O'Donnell?

Chapter 2: Who is Mary O'Donnell? 

Two days have passed from her last talk with Erin and the little girl was still trying to act as she hasn't been thinking about her best friend for the last 48 hours. She was sure Erin was making a joke, it was for sure, why on earth would she and Michelle be a thing? Date? It was not possible. 

"What do you think Claire?" Asks James with a smile on his lips.

" _Huh_?" 

Says the blonde girl to James while walking on their way home.to be completely honest with herself she was not looking at Michelle and seeing how her eyes shine with the sunlight making her look even more _beautiful_ than before. Honestly, She was not admiring her best friend imagining how her eyes would look if her lips would be kissing hers. _Kiss?_ Oh my god! Catch yourself on Claire! Of course, she is a good kisser but clearly, they have never kissed. How would their lips _taste_ like? Did she just casually ask that to herself? What was _wrong_ with her?. Suddenly she stops herself, punching James in the process, receiving a suspicious look from Orla who is rarely focused on her and not on her hunting knife. Michelle is still talking about his last conquest with a protestant lad from the east ignoring Claire's existence completely, making the short girl feel a weird _emptiness_ in the bottom of the chest. While the rest of the gang went by, James decided to stay with the short girl a little longer with a bad feeling in his head. 

"Are you _okay_ Clare?" He asked with concern on all of his face.

However, the little girl was still trying to avoid looking too much at her friend who was casually touching her curly hair. It wasn't until James snapped his fingers in front of her that the girl came back to reality and finally answered James's question. 

" _Of course_ I'm okay James, I'm just tired" she said with the best smile she could get.

Nonetheless, the English boy was not completely satisfied with her friend's answer. Even if he wanted to know more about her friend, he knew he wouldn't be able to earn her confidence. However, there is someone who knows Clare more than anybody else. 

James knew what he had to do.

Michelle and him will have a conversation this afternoon.

..............................................................................

"Get out of my room before you regret it"

Said Michelle before James could completely enter her room. They remained in silence until James throws to the floor a magazine with Robin Williams face on in, catching the tall girl's attention in the process. Her cousin grabs the magazine and after giving it a quick look she speaks to James looking directly into his eyes

"What do you want? You have my attention" 

James clears his throat and enters his cousin's room to have, his first, civilized conversation with her since he came to Derry. After looking at a group girl photo on Michelle's wall James asks

"Is something important I should know about Clare? She has been acting _strange_ lately, don't you think?" 

Michelle's eyes go from the magazine to James to the magazine again, she is strangely nervous and her stomach felt like she was about to boke when Claire's name came along. Claire acting weird? Claire was weird, Michelle knew that. She was her best friend and the reason behind her last boyfriend, or what could be said a boyfriend. Somehow her little friend was in most of her fantasies and even if she, in a weird way, _enjoyed_ them, Michelle knew there was probably something wrong with her. Michelle Mallon couldn't possibly have feelings for her, without any doubt, she is just horny with the way in which Clare speaks to her with her sweet voice in her dreams. After all, dreams. 

"Claire acting weird _aye_? Is like you not being gay!"

Michelle said trying to sound as natural as possible, which was in fact a total _failure_ since James gave her an insufficiency smile. He moved closer to her, close enough to avoid being hit with a shoe if necessary, and asked a crucial question.

"Why do you look like Erin when he _sees_ David Donnelly?" 

Michelle kills her stupid cousin with his eyes and says something James wasn't expecting at all.

"She is _not_ the only Derry girl acting weird James" 

Her voice is as louder as a whisper, just for James to listen. The English boy is not sure how to react to his cousin's confession and in an act of bravery lets her talk and sits next to her on her bed.

"I'm _confused_ dork, when I see her I want to boke but not in the same way I want to boke with you"

It was the first time Michelle has ever told someone about her friend, her hands were sweating and her _heart_ was beating in her chest like the drums in rock songs. Still in silence James examines his cousin's eyes believing he has seen a small trace of something he can't define. _He_ smiles at her. _She_ smiles at him, for the first time. 

Everything was going to be okay.

Al least that's what they wanted to believe.

........................................................................

A week after Michelle's confession, the gang was at a party In David's Donnelly's house. A party meant to be fun, right? Well, in this case, this friend's reunion was the complete opposite and less entertaining of a normal party. At least for Erin, Orla, Clare, Michelle, and James. While Erin was unsuccessfully trying to get David's attention by doing a weird dance in the middle of the living room, Orla was playing with some metal figures she found in one of the closets, James was trying to find Clare, and Michelle was drinking all she could from the wine cabinet.

After looking for Clare for the last fifteen minutes, James finds her outside the house casually talking with a girl in the grass. He smiles at her and says hello with a hand movement leaving her with the girl. 

Michelle was not happy, at least that's one emotion she could recognize. _Why does Clare have to be with her? Who is she?_. She can't understand why alcohol is doing anything to kill an anomaly void in her chest. _What was wrong with her?_.

Without feeling satisfied enough, she goes to the outside and sees Clare with that girl, again. They are _laughing, smiling, touching_. Michelle is about to boke, and this time is not the alcohol in her system. Gaining as much _strength_ as she can, Michelle's eyes go where Clare was and act as she hasn't been thinking about her in the last half an hour. The little girl smiles at her and she smiles back. They look at each other for a moment when the girl next to Clare grabs her chin and says something that makes the blonde girl blush and Michelle's stomach flip around into itself. After that, the stranger lass puts one of her hands on Claire's cheek and without any previous words kisses her directly on the lips. She couldn't see it anymore. Trying to get out of there as soon as possible, Michelle gets inside the house only to be confronted by a happy Erin saying something Michelle wished never knew.

"OMG! Clare is finally kissing Mary O'Donnell!" 

Who was that lass and why does she can't avoid feeling like crap are two questions Michelle can't answer at the moment. That's why, acting like a coward she decides to drink a long shot of her bottle before going to the bathroom and start to puke in the toilet.

Maybe throwing up could make her pain go away, at least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> What do you think will happen next? Leave your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> Thank you for all your kudos and comments! :)


	3. Chapter 3: Confusion is my best friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Here's a new chapter of the story! 
> 
> I hope you like it! 
> 
> Thanks for all your love! It means a lot!💙

Chapter 3: Confusion is my best friend. 

"I don't like that lass Erin"

Says Michelle to one of her bests friends while sittinng in the pub table.Erin smiles at her but suddenly her smiles becomes in a worried smile after looking directly to her friend's eyes.Michelle was looking at Clare and her new girlfriend who were kissing and dancing in the dance floor with Orla.Meanwhile James was, unsuccessfully,trying to flirt with an English lass who was here for the holidays.

Michelle was not happy with herself, is not something she is not accustomed to.However, this time she is not completely sure why she is unhappy.The only thing she knows and can easily recognize, is the fact that _that_ lass needs to go away from Clare's _lips_ as soon as possible.Why does she can't stop seeing at the couple in front of her right now? That is a mistery which she needs to figure it out before the bottle of whisky is too empty.

" _Michelle_?"

Says Erin causing Michelle to get out of her thoughts and look at her with a little smile.The raven haired girl looks at the floor being completely defeated. 

  
"Can I know why do you look like my aunt when her tan doesn't look orange?"

  
Erin asks putting her hand on Michelle's shoulders and making the tall girl go back to reality.Michelle can't look at her friend, not in the eyes, because this time, she is too afraid to know the answer, to know why she feels _betrayed_ and _useless_.Erin forces her friend's eyes to look at her and ,with a quick movement, no more than five seconds, the two bests friends look at each other.Even though Michelle had no clue of what was going on with her, her friend figured it out in those five seconds.Nonetheless, she would not say anything about it, Michelle has to figure it out _herself_.They hug for a moment and the tall girl does something unexpected for herself, she says

" _Thanks_ Erin, now I feel like James"

They both laugh and Erin leaves the table after locating David Donnelly on the pub front door.Now is time for Michelle to survive for the last hour before she has to go home.Michelle's eyes go back to the dance flor as they were not trained to obey her owner.And again, what she sees makes her head hurt even more. _Why does clare looks more beautiful than any other lass today? Oh fuck! Catch yourself on! Focus! Is Clare we are talking about!._ Feeling frustrated the tall girl hits the wood table and immediately regrets her decision, her hands are bleeding and surprisingly, the pain on her chest remains.

"Oh crap Michelle! _Are you okay?_ " 

Says the last person the tall girl wants to see right now.Rising her eyes to a pair of worried blue eyes in front of her, the raven girl _stutters_ and _laughs_ , _speechless_.

" _Babe_ , please, go and find something for her to put on" 

Michelle couldn't resist anymore, the world babe made her heart stop beating for a bit.Somehow, Clare found enough paper tissues to put on her friend's hands.One by one, pieces of paper were covering Michelle's wounds and cuts.But Michelle was not able to stop herself from thinking how soft Clare's hands were and therefore, how delicate her touches would be.

"Tell me if it hurts, _aye_?"

Says clare with the most amazing smile Michelle has ever seen.They look at each other for a moment until Clare moves her eyes down shooting down the intense eye contact.

Clare is fighting a battle with herself and the intense beat in her chest.She doesn't know how much she can resist not to think about Michelle and her _beautiful_ eyes.She didn't want to kiss Mary on the party, she just did it to avoid the pain on her chest while seeing her friend flirting with every lad she could find.While both girls were diving into their own thoughts, Erin and james looked at each other with worried eyes.

  
James knows he has to talk to _her_

Erin knows he has to talk to him

  
Still looking to their best friends Erin decides to break the intense eye contact by saying

  
"We need to help them before they _both_ get _hurt_ "

James nods his head and gives a little smile to her friend.They look at the couple again and realize there is a tense silence between them, something which is not actually common for them.

Meanwhile Clare and Michelle were thinking in ways of getting away if their uncomfortable situation.Clare was too scared to look at Michelle and her tall friend was too incredibly happy with her blonde friend touching her hands.

_Why is she so fucking beautiful?_

"Clare?"

Asks Michelle with a nervous smile on her face.The girl in front of her remains in her own mind.

" _Clare_? Can you fucking listen to me?"

Now she tried to sound as herself and not as the weird version she became when Clare is around.The blonde girl shakes and smiles nervously. _Why do I feel like this?_

"Aren't you _supposed_ to be with yo- with your lass?"

Clare knows Michelle is right.However, her girlfriend is not important, at least not while she is clearly happy to be with her friend healing her wounds.

James knows it's time to act.So he goes directly to the table where the couple was with a big smile in his face.

"Michelle is right, you should be with _her_ " 

After hearing another person saying the truth in front of her face, Clare gives her friend one of her characteristic smiles and goes to the dance floor where her lass was waiting for her.She kisses her and Clare smile goes even bigger than before.Nevertheless, Michelle's eyes are not looking at the girls in the dance floor, they are closed. _you can't cry in front of your stupid cousin! Fuck Fuck Fuck!_

James realises her cousin is rarely quiet and decides to take her hand and takes her out of the pub.Now in the outside the young boy looks at the sky and the dark night.

"Why did you do that _idiot_?"

Says Michelle with a little voice, holding back her tears as much as she can.But James is intelligent and without any further and do hugs her cousin before she breaks into tears.The problem is, Michelle has no _idea_ why she is crying and hugging her cousin in the middle of the night. 

But James knows how she feels, because as same as her cousin, he feels something he shouldn't for a certain someone who sadly, is part of the derry girls.

  
They remain in silence.As minutes pass by, the raven haired girl stops crying and she even separates from James.They smile at each other for a moment.Michelle can honestly feel happy, at least for now.

  
Simultaneously, Clare and her girlfriend are talking in the same pub table where Michelle and Erin were a few minutes ago.Unlike her girlfriend's eyes, which are focused on the blonde girl in front of her.Claire's eyes _can't resist_ to look at the door waiting for her friend to enter the pub again, with a continuous feeling of _loneliness_.

Mary wants to believe she is the one in Claire's heart.But she knows her girlfriend is not in love with her, at least not completely.She is scared, terrified, that's why she grabs one of her hands and kisses her lips one more time.Maybe with that Clare could stop seeing at the door and focus on her, maybe she can finally forget her forbidden love.


	4. Chapter 4: Denial babies

Chapter 4: Denial babies

Clare couldn't believe her eyes, she was sure her friend was pretending. It couldn't be true, and if it was, she was probably mental. _Why is her best friend flirting with a lass?_ How, when, and why are questions Clare is not capable of processing in her logical head. _And also, why are you hiding on the wall Clare?_ In fact, the blonde was behind Michelle's house wall, which was incredibly dirty and painted with a protestant mural. She didn't intend to act as she was acting, she originally arrived to talk to her, and honestly, she _missed_ her friend. Their friendship had gone on a tough path since the night at the pub. According to Erin, Michelle suspected something about Mary and she only wanted to protect her. But Clare was sure there was something more to be said. That's the reason why the short girl was standing behind a dirty wall. 

_Should I go and say something?_

Thinks Clare after staring at the couple for a while. Meanwhile, the girl next to Michelle smiles at her and grabs her hand, moving her to start walking in the middle of the dark night. The blonde girl is not sure why she didn't go away as soon as she saw the other girl. The only thing she is aware of is the fact that after chatting with Erin her friendship with Michelle changed drastically. Now she is unable to see her friend and think about nothing else than her _eyes_ or her _lips_ , which sadly for her, are smiling to an _unknown lass_ in the middle of the night.

_Just pretend she is a cute lad_. Why was she flirting with her? _For practice? Practice for what?_ Michelle was almost sure she was into lads and that she would never be with a lass. However, ever since the night in the pub, she realized that if _Clare_ could be with a lass she could be with a _lass_ as well. _I am a competitor, I can win Clare and her stupid girlfriend._ Michelle doubts about Mary and her friendship with Clare were getting worse and worse. She has stopped sleeping during the night thinking about it. She wants to believe is not a _big_ thing, is not _important_ , but her mind seems to avoid logic and makes her blonde friend part of her lonely dreams.

"So, I actually came here to ask you something"

Says the girl in front of Michelle with a nervous smile on her face.

"You are friend's with a short blonde girl, _right_?"

Michelle is speechless, how could it possibly be the planet where _Clare_ is not in every single conversation. She wants to say she has no clue about her, but it would be a stupid act since the derry girls were, in clare words, packed animals which meant they would always be together. Even the stupid James was in their group. Michelle nods her head and smiles, losing her eyes in the distance for a moment. _Unconsciously_ looking for her short friend.

"Do you know if she is _free_?"

Says the girl in front of Michelle, making her feel a little bit dizzy. _How many more lass want to hook up wi-? Wait, is it? No way!_

" _Clare?_ " 

  
  


Asks the tall girl when she realized she saw a hint of blonde hair and a pair of blue eyes in the distance. The girl in front of Michelle follows her eyes and blushes when she also recognizes the little girl who was, unsuccessfully hiding on the wall. Clare can't stand looking at the couple right now, she does not only feels _defeated_ but also strangely _angry_ with the situation she has got into. The tiny girl walks away trying to avoid Michelle and that lass. However, the tall girl is faster and catches Clare's arm receiving an electric something in her body as a response.

"What are you _doing_ here? Were you _spying_ on me?"

Clare wants to dive in herself or dissolve in the cold night wind. But the universe has other plans for her evening and seeing herself caught in the act, Clare does something coward and runs away leaving Michelle with a thousand doubts in her mind.

_What am I supposed to do at school tomorrow?_

.............................................................................................................................................................................................

As if the universe had decided to listen to Michelle's question when Monday arrived things between her and her best friend were tense and awkward. Firstly, on the way to school Clare sat as far as possible from her and she didn't even _look_ at her. Then, she only talked to Erin, Orla, and James. As a result, Michelle's stomach was _burning_ and she felt a _headache_ coming through.

Clare wasn't on cloud nine as well. She didn't want to avoid looking at her eyes for much longer. Without any of the girl's acknowledgment, a pair of eyes was noticing all the exchange and wishing to know why the situation was complicated. The girl with blue eyes decided to talk to one of her bests friends in private. For her plan to be accomplished, Erin Quinn corner Clare Devlin at the end of the school day and asked her impatiently

  
  


"Is there something _wrong_ with you and _Michelle_? Is there _anything_ that could affect the group?" 

  
  


Clare's eyes rounded around the room trying to find a logical answer to the question. But her mind was blowing up with a thousand doubts which somehow reflected upon her worrying eyes. Without being able to prevent it, the tiny girl started crying on her friend's shoulders and as a response, Erin hugged her speechless. This is the worse she has ever seen her, the situation was clearly more complex than it seemed. But she knew she had to ask, or more than one hearth would be broken.

  
  


"You couldn't possibly...Clare, _do you_?"

  
  


She knows her friend is terrified of her own feelings. However, she decides to ask her about them.

  
  


" _Clare_ , look at me"

  
  


The blonde girl obeys and still trying to contain her tears looks at her friend. And at that moment she realized her friend was probably so much in love that she wasn't able to even say it with words. Even if it was hurting her hearth to make her come into reason, The girl in front of Clare said

  
  


"I think you _like_ her, _Clare_ " 

  
  


But the short girl still in denial closed her eyes for a moment. Her heart was _beating_ , her head was _hurting_. That couldn't be possible, she was with Mary. _She liked Mary, didn't_ _she?._ Her logic part of herself wanted to believe in Erin's words. On the contrary, her moral self wanted to maintain a frontage and confront her friend. So she did listen to her perfect self and said.

  
  


"I wouldn't _never_ like her Erin! Catch yourself on! I like Mary, my _girlfriend_ Mary" 

  
  


If Clare would have known how her words affected someone in the shrubbery, she would've probably regret her actions. But sadly because of destiny or God, Michelle listened to her words and as she couldn't help it, fresh tears rounded around her face again. Because unfortunately, she has just realized something

  
  


She was _in love_ with Clare Devlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you probably hate me right now but there's light at the end of the tunnel, trust me :)
> 
> New chapter soon!


	5. Chapter 5: I hate you, I love you

Chapter 5: I hate you, I love you  
  
Saying that Michelle was surprised was an epiphany. She was more than scared to even admit to herself again those dangerous words. She still can't figure it out why or when she actually _fell_ for her. The only thing she knows for a fact is that she needs to be as far from _her_ as possible. She can't stand looking at her _lips_ , her _eyes_ , her _smile_.  
  
 _She knows she never felt the way she feels right now._  
  
She has no clue what to do next. She is convinced she can't make a move on her. _She is her best friend for god's sake!_ They know each other since they were 5 years old!. Being in love with her was more than just falling for a lad she met at a bar, this situation was the weirdest and yet the most unreal she has ever been involved in before. Michelle was not at ease to be in contact with her feelings, she was used to listening to her instinct and her hormones. But sadly for her, with Clare, the dilemma was how to _avoid_ hearing her heart in her chest when her little friend sneaks in her dreams (or nightmares).  
  
She has been constantly dreaming about her blonde friend. They were not alone in their dreams though, the whole gang was there as well. However, the only person she remembers is her lovely lass. Unfortunately, her dreams always finish when either they are about to _kiss_ or when she is about to confess her _feelings_ for her short friend.  
  
Today is Sunday and this means she can't avoid her for any longer, she was supposed to be in church ten minutes ago. She was not a faithful Catholic, not in a conventional way. However, in Derry, the church was a compulsory rule everyone had to follow, even the atheists in town. She knew a fella who was sure God was just a fantasy but he would go to church all Sunday mornings anyway. She also knew most Catholic people would never understand Clare and her sexuality, they would constantly judge her and her girlfriend. Why hasn't she thought about _that_ before? What if she _is_ like Clare? _What if_...  
  
Of course, she knew she _was_...that thing with Clare was there. She was not afraid of it, at least not anymore. Michelle has never seen herself as a person of strong feelings, she has always kept that part of herself in the privacy of her own mind. But with _Clare._..she couldn't help looking at her and blush immediately.  
  
Clare became a recurrent theme in her _mind_ (and her _hearth_ )one day when the gang was getting ready for a night at the pub, which of course, none of them were legally able to go. Incredibly, Erin knew the bartender and with one date and 20£, she somehow got a ride to the pub and free entrance. The whole gang was getting dressed in Erin's house and they were planning on jumping off the window so they wouldn't be discovered. Michelle was looking at the mirror and applying lipstick on her lips, James was reading a book she found on Erin's bookshelf, Orla was reading Erin's diary, as usual. Meanwhile, Clare and Erin were in the bathroom getting dressed.

  
"Erin, are you sure about this?"

  
Says Clare with a worried look in her eyes, the blonde girl was strangely self-conscious for being a casual night with friends. Erin smiles at her friend saying

  
  
"Of course Clare! Look at you!"  
  
Clare gives her friend a little smile and gets out of the bathroom, opening the door slowly. Without the blonde girl's acknowledgment, her reflection was clearly seen by her dark-haired friend in the mirror she was looking at herself at.  
  
Michelle still has no idea why she stopped messing around with James and her eyes focused on her blonde friend as soon as she entered the room. She instantly stopped applying make-up on her face and looked at her friend speechless. Her lipstick literally fell from her hands, for a long time, the only thing she could see in the room was herself and _Clare Devlin_. All she remembers is thinking that her best friend was the most beautiful person she has ever seen and that for a strange reason, she didn't want to leave her side all night.  
  
Sadly for her, Clare wasn't seen as the most attractive person for her only. Her blonde friend conversed with a lass from the north during the majority of the night, ignoring her completely. Michelle couldn't understand why ever since that night she can't see the color red without instantly relating it to Clare.  
  
Michelle is really scared of one thing. She is not as brave as Clare and, unfortunately for her, she has fallen for someone who is not scared of doing things that are dangerous for her. Michelle is scare of people and how they might react to her, she is terrified of people's opinion. She is frightened, because if Clare knows and she does not feel the same way, well, Michelle's heart will be broken.  
  
 _What if someone knows she may be..._  
  
That thought was more than enough for her to start walking faster. She needs to be there because Clare was there too. She knew Clare would be in a cute dress and probably a fancy haircut. Michelle focus! The tall girl rhythm transforms into a running session until she finally arrives at the church doors. She opens it and a thousand eyes look back to the only person late in the congregation. She smiles nervously and walks directly to the only spot left which was, for destiny or curse, two seats away from Clare and her girlfriend. They smile at her for a moment until the short girl frowned and focused her eyes on the priest again.  
  
Without Michelle's acknowledgment, someone else was focusing on her moves as soon as she walked on the building. She knew it was probably rare her attention was on her. However, Orla McCool couldn't help to analyze her friend's movements or how her eyes went directly to Clare without doing anything else first. Orla wasn't the smartest bean in the jar, she was aware of that, still, she wasn't blind. She realized something was off with her friend. So, as being Orla McCool she decided to talk to her when the gathering was over.  
  
The time passed slowly until the priest has finally finished the sermon and People were coming out of the room. Michelle was looking for her friends which were nowhere to be found. Orla was looking for her raven hair friend until they bump into each other at the big walls of the church.  
  
"watch yourself Orla!"  
  
Says Michelle pretending to be angry, which wasn't actually the case, she would never do that to her friend. Orla smiles at her with a lollipop in her right hand and Michelle ignores her until they walk alone trying to find the others. The tall dark-haired girl was hopelessly searching for a pair of blue eyes and blonde hair, but sadly for her, her favorite smile of it all was focusing on someone else at the moment. Meanwhile, Orla was looking or her friends They finally find each other and Michelle says  
  
"We should go to my house girls! Go on!"  
  
Three pairs of surprised opened eyes look at her directly. Erin was in shock, James was confused, Orla was suspicious and Clare was looking at the floor in front of her, _strangely_ quiet.  
  
"what's the matter, people? You know my house aye!"  
  
Why would she invite _everyone_ when she _clearly_ wants to be with...  
  
Erin came out of her head and looked at her friend with a weird smile on her face, as she was seeing something non of her friends has seen before, as she was just realizing a fact which was in front of her the entire time.  
  
She looks at James and both of them know exactly what to do next, James moves closer to her cousin and says  
  
"Erin and I have a project we have to do and it's for tomorrow, don't we?"  
  
The blonde girl next to him smiles and grabs Orla's hand moving her away from the group, leaving James and the girls in uncomfortable silence. After a few moments, James goes away leaving Clare with Michelle who was silently dying and looking at her friend with a beating heart on her chest.  
  
Clare wasn't feeling as usual though. After talking with Erin, again, her feelings for her raven hair friend were still in conflict, mostly because Mary was part of the equation as well. She doesn't want to hurt anyone, she just wants to stop feeling her eyes moving to Michelle's lips every time she enters the room.  
  
Michelle loses focus for a moment and starts considering her _real_ feelings for her friend. As same as Clare, she wanted to be _happy_. However, in this specific situation, her happiness was extremely far away from her. Even if she wishes to tell her how she really feels, Michelle knows Clare isn't _remotely_ into her as nothing more than a friend; that thought is enough for her to _lose_ her smile every time she thinks about her. There are also more _factors_ that make her chances with Clare impossible.  
  
First of all, there's her more than a lovely girlfriend. She is unable to understand why Clare is with that lass. She was new in town and as she arrived from Galway and well...people were more accustomed to seeing lesbians. As Orla said to Erin once  
  
 _"Erin, don't you believe in lesbians?"_  
  
She has to answer that same doubt as well. _Was she a lesbian?_   
  
" _Michelle_?"  
  
Says Clare with a tiny voice, making Michelle's heartbeat ever harder on her chest. There were her feelings again, she wishes she could make them disappear as soon as possible. After realizing she hasn't answered in a while, Michelle smiles at her and says  
  
"What do you want Clare?"  
  
Her voice sounds more like a sweet comment than a pissed one, making Clare's face move to her in confusion.  
  
  
"I will go out with Mary so-  
  
  
"I don't need to know everything you do Clare"  
  
 _Now she sounds like herself thinks_ Clare as she smiles at her, with a tiny sad smile, and with her heart slowly going down to her stomach, she goes to find Mary outside of the church.  
  
  
Michelle walks to her house in silence feeling like the _worst_ human being on the planet, because she made _Clare_ lose her beautiful smile.  
  
..........................................................................  
  
Two weeks passed and things with Clare and Michelle moved from awkward to normal again. However, as they were derry girls, they would never be completely normal. On Monday after school, the gang decided to go to Erin's house to finish important homework, which would make them either fail the subject or do it again in August. They have been up all night and consequently, they were tired and hungry. As Erin was the host, and she didn't want to pretend she was studying anymore, she went to the kitchen and made some toast and tea for all of them.  
  
When she arrived in her room again, she realized only Michelle and Orla were up. She smiled at them and with a whisper gave them a cup of tea and a toast.  
  
"We will fail tomorrow, _aye_?"  
  
Said Erin with a little laugh and drank a sip of her tea when Orla suggested they should play a game, as they were tired and they didn't want to wake their friends up, Erin came up with a perfect game to play  
  
  
Two _truths_ and one _lie_  
  
Erin was the first player, and her two truths were that she kissed a protestant in 8th grade and that she used to sleep with a picture of Johnny deep under her bed. The next one was Orla, and she confessed she used to think the sky was blue because it was made of blue butterflies and that her hair was curly because she was made to be a Victorian-era woman. The last one was Michelle, she decided to talk even though she had a bad feeling in her stomach.  
  
"One time I thought Mr.Samuels was cute, I used to watch friends every day and I'm into a lad from the west"  
  
Erin pretended she was thinking and remained in silence for a moment until she said  
  
"The first one is a lie, you were into Mr.Jackson, not Mr.Samuels"  
  
Michelle smiled and raised her arms in surrender with a laugh coming out of her mouth. Nonetheless, Orla interrupted her laughs saying something neither Erin or Michelle expected at all  
  
"But _aren't_ you into Clare, _Michelle_?"  
  
She said it as it was the most natural thing in the world. Her comment not only made Michelle wish she was dead, but it also made Erin question her friend even more.  
  
"Even Orla can see it, Michelle, you like her, _don't you_? "  
  
Michelle couldn't resist it anymore, she broke into tears with the constant beat in her heart every time Clare comes to the conversation. She wished her friends didn't know her so well, she wished she didn't _fall_ for her at all. However, she knows her friends love her, and they would never do anything to hurt her, so she decides to say something she has been keeping a secret for a long time.  
  
" _I'm in love with Clare_ , thanks a lot for making me say it, Erin"  
  
She wants to sound angry, she wants to be angry. But the situation she was in was the most complicated she has been in all her life. She knew Clare was there, and that she was sleeping, so taking that into account, she hugged her friends and decided to go to sleep.  
  
  
Little did she knew that a pair of blue eyes were open at the exact moment she said her confession. Now it was Clare's turn to break into tears in her bed.  
  
  
 _How is she supposed to tell Michelle the truth without breaking her heart in the process?_  
  


.....................................................................................................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about this chapter?
> 
> Now everything is settled for a conflict to arrive, isn't it?
> 
> I will read your comments! I love hearing from you :) 
> 
> Next chapter soon!


	6. Chapter 6: The morning after

Chapter 6: The morning after

_Has her room always been that pink?_ Clare asked herself after admiring her wall in front of her, tear beats were distinguished in her pale skin, her lips were red and her room was as messy as it has ever been. She bit her lower lip again and as her thoughts were trained to obey themselves, Clare automatically imagined Michelle's lips doing one of her classic smiles, which were reserved only for those who she cared about the most. _Was she part of that exclusive luxurious group?_ She was unsure, however, she wished to be at least one of the people her friend even consider as friends. _What about Mary? Was she here with her? Why does she have to break everything she touches?_ Thinking about Mary was reason enough to make the tiny blonde girl break into tears again. She is tired of feeling unsure about things. She _is_ Clare! The person who figured out how to make trigonometry exercises during the summer holidays a month before Mrs.Jill explained the topic to the class. She was laying in her bed with a box of tissues and biscuits. Her eyes were red and tired of tearing up. How long did she stay in the middle of her room only thinking about _her_? How many times did she stopped crying and grinned when _her_ smile came into her head? How is she supposed to see _her_ again? .She has been in her room since last week, she hasn't seen any member of the gang. Nor Erin, Nor Orla, Nor James. She was too scared and _exhausted_ to even talk to them. Her head decided it was a good idea to even consider being in her room for more time than a human can possibly be. However, Clare was sure she needed to be on her own, because if she would see her friends again....well, she couldn't even think about what they would think of her.

Everything started one week ago, the night after Erin's sleepover. The morning after was as normal as usual, Clare was the first one in the kitchen and at six o'clock she was having breakfast, alone at the table at the center of the room. She was extremely exhausted and yet her eyes looked as she has had the calmest night of her life. She has been constantly thinking about Michelle's words which were spoken the night before

I'm _in love_ with Clare, Erin

_Love_. Her best friend was in love with _her_. She knew how powerful those words could be. However, she never imagined someone _could possibly_ -

"Hey"

Clare's thoughts were suddenly stopped when a deep voice sounded in the silent room. James was casually standing in the doorway in front of her. He was smiling and holding a cup of what was most probably coffee since his eyes were as tired as hers. The tiny girl smiled at him but her eyes were still filled with an uncertain cloak that James could easily identify. He managed to move closer to her trying to be as silent as humanly possible. Surprisingly, he succeeded, and with a quick move, he was now sitting next to Clare expectantly looking at her.

"Are you _okay_? You seem _tired_ "

_When did the kitchen become so little?_ Thought Clare as fast as James formulated his question. The answer was so easy and yet so hard. She wanted to convince herself she was _okay, fine, excellent_. But sadly, the constant pain in the bottom of her stomach acted as a _painful_ reminder of the terrible truth. Clare Devlin was not okay, she was rather _confused_ and _terrified_ of what will happen next. With that realization in mind, Clare felt even sadder, because the person who made the question was closely related to... _her_.The blonde girl wanted to get out of the room as soon as possible, strangely, she didn't have the strength enough to move out of her chair. Her foot acted as roots that seemed to be inside the floor, letting her immobile in front of James. Coming to the realization that she has been in silence for a long time, the blonde girl said

"I'm fine" 

Her voice sounded deeper than usual, which made James worry even more than before. He knew her enough to understand her expressions. She seemed tired, exhausted, but yet her eyes looked like she has been caught in a lie. Nevertheless, James moved his arm around Clare's neck and smiled at her again. He wanted to tell her that he was worthy to trust, that he was there for her, that he was his friend. Being now _brave_ enough to look at James's eyes, Clare smiled again and said 

"I _accidentally_ heard a secret, what would you _do_ if you were me?"

James has been caught by surprise, he didn't expect to hear something like that. But the thing which scared him the most was the fact that he probably was aware of the secret accidentally heard by her friend. Though, he knew her cousin was extremely preoccupied for her to risk her friend to know how she actually felt for her. Hold on, what if she heard her cousin's...

"I think you should-

James's words get silenced as soon as he recognizes a pair of green eyes approaching them on the kitchen stairs. He wants to help Clare, he needs to help Clare. Unfortunately, he is sure her cousin will probably hear his words, and even if he wanted his cousin to be as silly as possible he knows she is clever and will probably discover what he was saying. Clare frowned and opened her mouth as she was about to say something but her words seemed to be swallowed as soon as she realized Michelle was going downstairs.

_Should I drink coffee or tea?_ Thought Michelle as she moved to the kitchen, ignoring James and Clare's existence completely. She couldn't believe she openly admitted her feelings to another human soul. It wasn't something she was used to doing, still, she felt as a piece of big luggage was taken out of her back. Now she was like a normal teenager again, she was into someone and her best friend knew about it. Taking that last thought in her mind, a small smile appeared on her lips with a warm feeling in her chest accompanying it. She felt _good, fine, excellent_.

"Good morning fellas"

Said the raven-haired girl as she grabbed a cup from the cupboard in the kitchen. Meanwhile, Erin and Orla were talking about "friends" and its plot. Nevertheless, James and Clare looked at each other in shock. _Since when Michelle Mallon says good morning? Was something odd with her?_

"Hi"

Said Orla and Erin at the same time with a big smile on their faces. Meanwhile, Clare was drinking her coffee in silence, avoiding looking at her friend as long as possible. She was also trying to ignore the way her heart was beating strongly in her chest. _Clare, you have Mary, remember? You can't possibly be-_

"Hey"

_How many Mallon family members would possibly talk to her?_ Michelle was now sitting next to her where James was not more than five minutes ago. She was holding a cup of something which looked like tea and she was giving her a big smile, with her perfect teeth shining on her face. Not even how much the blonde girl tried to silence her thoughts all she could formulate was how she wished her _smile_ was there all _her_ mornings. Suddenly her happiness was shut when she remembered her friend's words. She _was_ in love with her but she _wasn't_. At least that's what she forced herself to believe. Clare gave her a little smile and drank a big sip of her coffee, which gave her time enough to calm her heart and to think about Mary and her lips. She moved her eyes back to her friend, who gave her a small laugh and whispered to her

"You are _red_ Clare"

_She was red because of the hot drink not because of you Michelle_. No matter how much she wanted to make her blush the tall girl has finally accepted she and Clare were like Romeo and Juliet since they would hurt each other and be dangerous to one another. She wants to _ignore_ the way Clare's eyes move back and forward between her mug and her eyes as she _tries_ to find a way to calm her cheeks to blush, again. She wants to ignore the fact that her best friend will never be in love with her, that she will have to _sigh_ alone in a dark room for a lass who will never see her as something more than a friend. With that in mind, the raven-haired girl moved to the kitchen and started talking to Erin and Orla about the new "friends" episode and Rachel's confession to Ross.

Clare was definitely _not_ trying to listen to what they were talking about so she could find more information about it, of course, she wasn't. She was Clare, Michelle's best friend, and Mary's girlfriend. And there it was again, the _rough_ reality that she was already taken. _Hold on_ , why is it _rough_ Clare? _You love her, don't you?_

"Clare your lass is here"

Clare's thoughts were immediately shut when she heard Erin's voice coming from the front door. The tiny girl smiled at her and moved to the door. Thankfully, she has changed and her girlfriend won't see her wearing pajamas, it would make her feel extremely embarrassed. As soon as she saw her girlfriend Mary O'Donnell realized something had happened, for an unknown reason her smile wasn't as shiny as always and her eyes looked as she hasn't slept in weeks. Thankfully, her kisses were still the same, she could check that after kissing her and moving back to the kitchen with the rest of the group. She said hello to everyone in the house and peacefully sat in one of the chairs next to Clare, holding her hand as she didn't suspect her girlfriend was hiding something from her.

"You know Mary, we were going to go to the mall later, you can come if you want aye?"

Said James with a smile on his mouth, a year ago she wouldn't feel confident enough to do something as brave as asking someone else to join the group. However, ever since he almost leaves Derry and her family, well...he knows he can dare to do these kinds of things now. The girl next to Clare nods her head and grabs her girlfriend's hands moving her to a private place. She knows she can't force her, but she also loves her...if _Clare_ suffers she hurts with her _too_.

"Are you okay?" 

_What was wrong with her today?_ _Why do people believe there's something odd with me?_ Clare nervously laughed and moved her hands back and forward in a desperate way to find words and concentrate. For a strange reason she could feel Michelle's eyes in the distance, without a humanly logical reason she could feel her cheeks getting redder and her palms starting sweater. Mary was the reason behind her behavior, her _person_ , her _soulmate_ was the reason for her to feel like _sparks_ and _butterflies_ in her lower chest.

"You look cute when you don't know something babe, did you know that?"

_Just ignore the way she looks at us, she is just worried about her_. Mary knew her insecurities would appear as soon as she started dating Clare. Because she was a lesbian in a Catholic town or because she felt like she wasn't enough for Clare. Nonetheless, the only thing which she could think about now is the beautiful eyes who were looking at her combined with a blush coming further to her pale cheeks. Mary wants to believe Michelle is just protective, she wants to make sure her friend is okay. If she could _only know_ what is going on in her curly hair, why she can't think about Clare and sadly put her with Michelle in the same place. She knows she is not the most appealing girl in Derry, however, her amazing girlfriend sees her as someone desirable and that's the best emotion she can feel in the world.

Michelle's eyes wander between Clare and her girlfriend as the tiny girl starts laughing at something the other girl said. Almost instantly the tall girl smiles well, it didn't matter that someone else was making her smile, as long as she was happy. Even if Michelle's heart _breaks_ every time she imagines her in Mary's place.If she could only be braver if she could only have realized her feelings before. It's too _late,_ is _impossible_. Her smile suddenly went back to the floor as soon as she sees the cute couple in front of her kissing, as their lips were their only connection with one another, as their bodies were meant to be together. She could _literally_ feel her heart breaking in her chest. As a way of avoiding _torturing_ herself for much longer, Michelle moved back to the kitchen table and joined the conversation, which was still about Ross and Rachel.

"But he was in love with her!"

Said James looking directly into Erin's eyes. A tiny smile appeared on his lips as he said these words. Somehow her cousin managed to make his declaration stronger, as he intended to say something more with his utterance. Strangely, only Michelle seemed to notice the change in his cousin's words. Was it because she has openly accepted... _that_? _Probably, apparently_ , now she has a radar to identify other people's _feelings_.

"And she was in love with him! They have to be together!" 

Erin said still looking at Jame's eyes, as he was the only relevant thing in the room. Michelle could claim she saw a tiny smile coming to her lips, but for an odd reason, she kept her lips naturally placed in a lazy position. Out of a sudden, Orla laughed and moved one of her fingers between Erin and James. Almost simultaneously both of them stooped arguing and looked at Orla with confused expressions on their faces. Michelle was still very confused about what was actually happening so she just grumbles and said

  
"What is so funny Orla?"

The tall curly girl stooped laughing and took a deep breath, as she was about to say something incredibly important. She moved closer to James and Erin and grabbed them by the shoulders, still saying nothing relevant and for some reason which would only make sense to her she pointed outback and forward between the young couple and made a strong declaration

"You argue like _Ross_ and _Rachel_! You can enter the television and be on friends!"

_Why can't the earth just open and swallow me in one bit?_ James's eyes when to the floor in front of him and he pursed his lips and closed his eyes.Why did Orla have to _compare_ him with Ross? Maybe in an alternative universe where he wasn't an English fella in a Catholic town, he could have a tiny little chance with her. Unfortunately, he knows she has no chance at all and not in a million years she would be interested in someone like-

"Look what you did Orla! James wake up!"

It wasn't until his cousin snapped her fingers in front of him that he officially went back to reality. Erin was looking at him with a small smile on her face, she was almost laughing. He would live the last five minutes and embarrass himself again only to make her look at him like that.

"Jerk"

Whispered Michelle as she hit the back of his head. Not even being hit by her lovely cousin would make James lose his smile. His smile suddenly makes him blush as he sees Clare and her girlfriend laughing at him with friendly smiles on her face. Clare rolled her eyes though, she is used to seeing this kind of passive-aggressive relationship between him and Michelle. The young couple move back to the center of the room and the group stay in an unnecessary silence for a while until Erin says 

"Who wants to go to the mall?"

* * *

"What do you think of this one?"

The girls, and James, were looking for Christmas dresses since the winter holidays were around the corner and they wanted to look as attractive as possible that night. Erin insisted that David would finally pay attention to her if she wears the most expensive and extravagant dress in the entire town. Orla just wanted to eat her lollipop and be with the girls. Michelle was still looking for a revealing and yet decent dress for her family dinner on Christmas eve. James was unsuccessfully trying to help Clare with her dress and Mary was buying the group some food and has been gone for about ten minutes.

"So? I think I like this one, it doesn't make my boobs any favor tho"

Michelle said as she pushed her boobs to one another in a way to make them more prominent, of course, it didn't work. Erin was dealing with her dress too. She didn't want to make the same choice she made with her turquoise dress she forced herself to wear and made her feel like packed tuna. On the contrary, she decided to use a dress for herself and she was currently trying on a princess-like rose pale dress. She felt beautiful and for the look in James's eyes when he finally managed to help Clare with her dress Erin knew she had to buy that dress.

"Isn't it too much? I feel weird"

Asked Clare to the rest of the gang after coming out of the fitting room. Somehow she managed to make an expression between disappointment and insecurity. She felt just like the day they went to the pub. For a reason still unknown she searched for Michelle's eyes in a _desperate_ sign of approval. Nonetheless she the look she received was nothing like she would ever be expected.Her friend's eyes were intensely looking at her and they had an unusual shine which she has never seen before. _Don't be silly Clare, she is in love with you, remember?_

Her friend moved closer to her as she were the only person in the room. Until today Clare doesn't know why she wanted her to move ever further. Michelle grins at her and does something unexpected, she carefully puts one hand on her cheeks and starts moving her thumb back and forward. If she wouldn't know why her friend was doing something so risky and yet so familiar she would probably let her stay like that for much longer. The blonde girl opened her mouth as she was about to say something until her words are cut by her friend in front of her

"You look hot"

Her words are spoken in a small whisper as only for her to listen. The last time she heard those words it was in a completely different situation. They were at a prom and Mae was there. But now those words seem to hide a different meaning, and that makes Clare feel warm, in a weird way. There no one else looking at them, Erin is still finding a dress, James is still holding a bunch of dresses in his hands and Orla is peacefully chatting with a mannequin. Nonetheless, Clare is not able to ignore the bad feeling in the bottom of her stomach, as something terrible was about to happen. The couple stays there for a while, Michelle admiring Clare and Clare being not strong enough to let her soft hand go away from her. Just when she was getting used to it, her happiness is dragged down to the floor as soon as she sees a pair of green eyes looking at her from the window. Suddenly she moves away from Michele who remains with her hand up and speechless, Clare could claim seeing how her eyes were filling with something which appeared to be tears.

"Mary wait!"

Clare screamed as she ran behind her now not sure to be a good girlfriend. How stupid she was, of she only would have said something, or if she only would put away her soft and tender touch.

"I saw what I saw, you can't deny anything now"

Now Clare was confused. _Why would she deny anything to her?_ She _didn't like_ Michelle! For God's sake, she _loved_ Mary! 

"Mary I-

But her words were suddenly cut when her girlfriend asked an unexpected question

"If both of us fall from a boat and you can only save one, _who_ would you choose? You would choose _her_ babe, not me"

Now Clare remains in silence for a long time, she never imagined her girlfriend would believe she didn't care about her. Excellent, now the couple brought unwanted attention from a few people in the mall and the rest of the derry girls were casually behind the store door looking at them. Strangely, Michelle was looking at her more intensively than the others, she was also biting her lower lip. _Has she been crying?_

Without even thinking about it for more than two seconds, the blonde girl moved back to the store leaving behind her girlfriend who was now almost crying. Somehow she managed to get where Michelle was and casually hugged her, as they hasn't shared a moment a few minutes ago.

"Who saves me then?"

Mary asked no one in particular and silently left the mall leaving Clare behind who was still hugging Michelle. When the two friends apart from one another the two of them realize Mary is no way to be found. Now is time for Clare to start crying.

"I'm sorry girls, I can't see you anymore"

She said to the entire gang, but her eyes were focused on Michelle, who now was now frowning and trying to keep a casual cover. Erin started talking about something and screaming at her, she was angry, clearly. However, the blonde girl walked back to the store, quickly changed, and ran away from them as soon as possible.

One week later and she still was feeling terrible. Mary hated her, her friends hated her and she even disliked herself. She had enough time to think about what happened and the only thing she wants is for everyone to be happy. Sadly the reality is a bitch and nothing works the way she wants. Just when she was about to grab her Book "pride and prejudice" for the hundredth time she heard someone knocking on the door. Reluctantly she got up and moved to her bedroom door. She opened it and the last person who wanted to see was there

"I brought booze let me in"

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What would you do if you were in Clare's situation?
> 
> What do you think about Mary? She will be relevant in future chapters!
> 
> Any #Jerin fan is reading this story? Let me know! :)


	7. Chapter 7: Soul to soul conversations

"Pride and prejudice, really Clare?"

Clare and Michelle were laying on Clare's bed while the blonde girl was peacefully trying to read her book, which of course was an impossible task since an almost drunk Michelle kept messing around with her. _Who would she be in the story?_ For sure Michelle would be Elizabeth Bennett.

She has gone into that path again, every time the tiny girl would read a book she would compare not only herself but also her friends with characters in the story.She would always compare to the main character, since she felt as the main in her own life.Sadly for her, this time she didn't fell like the most important character, she felt sad, terrified and heartbroken.She felt exactly like Jane Bennett when she almost lost Mr.Bingley.Since Michelle arrived they haven't talked about the event from last week.Even though she wanted to mention it she knew Michelle was probably ashamed or something of the sort, or maybe she was juat drunk and didn't care about what happened, even if Clare saw the situation in a completely different way.That's why she saw herself as Jane and not as Elizabeth since if she were Liz well, she would be braver and ask.However she was still happy of being Jane, because love was just around the corner, with Mary of course, not with her friend who was casually touching her hair.

"If you keep doing _that_ I will never finish this chapter Michelle"

_Am I a distraction? That's new_ Michelle thought as her friend said those words.She was acting as natural as always.Nonetheless, it felt different today, like something was odd with her, as she has finally came to a realization or something of the sort.

"Do you want to go for a walk? The room is spinning"

A tiny smile approached Clare's lips as she put away her book and looked at her friend.Her eyes were red and shiny, her hair was in a messy bun and her mouth was in a little smile.Her eyes were filled with something the blonde girl wasn't able to identify yet, _was it just drunkenness or was it lust in her eyes?_.

The tiny girl moves furthest and now she can literally feel the whisky breath in her cheeks.She carefully studies her friend paying an unusual attention to her eyes, which now were as closer as they have ever been.Clare has always believed Michelle's eyes were green, green as the grass or the irish flag.But now...they are not only green but they have small golden dots which make her even _more_ stunning than she already is.Is perfectly normal to see your friends in a good way, she has admitted Erin was cute several times, when she wore her favorite dress or her hair was down in a perfect shape.It wasn't weird at all to consider your friends attractive, _was it_?

_Why hasn't she noticed how long her lashes were_? They were even longer than Mary's, Michelle eyes were even greener than Mary's.They were opposite in a lot of things.As Clare came to the realization that she hasn't spoken in a considerable amount of time, and her room now seems smaller, she casually moves away from her position and with a nervous smile says

"Of course"

* * *

They have been walking for about ten minutes in the tiny girl's street.A comfortable silence was between them, with the cold wind of december brushing their hair and shoulders.Even though the weather was cold outside and the snow was starting to fall on her shoulders, Clare felt extremely warm, she could feel a hot sensation coming from the bottom of her stomach that was silently moving to her cheeks.She was cold and her jacket was hot, it's pure science of course.Out of the sudden, the blond girl moved her eyes that were on the ground to her tall friend, who was oddly quiet.Was it because of _what_ happened in the store before?

Meanwhile, Michelle Mallon was having an internal fight with herself.She desperately wanted to ingnore the way her friend focused on _her_ before, how her beautiful eyes looked at her as she was the most _relevant_ thing in the world as she was...fuck, the cruel reality hits her again.She wanted to forget her, she had to get over her.Her friend would never feel the same way she does.She feels like the stupid character in the movies Erin loved, she felt just like Rachel when ross is with her fancy girlfriend from China.She felt like...

"I'm an idiot"

After hearing those words the blonde girl woke up from her trance and looked at her friend. _Was it sadness in her face_? _Has she somehow made her friend look like she has been hit by a train_? The tiny girl suddenly stops walking and grabs her friend in a hug.The derry girls have never been good with feelings and showing affection to one another but right now that didn't matter at all.At first the tall girl acted without any physical response.But then she corresponded to the hug and smiled at her friend.Maybe Clare would never like her the way she does but that doesn't mean she has to let her comforting arms go, _right_?.They share a hug for a while and then peacefully separate and start walking again.

Would Clare hug _her_ in the same way?

"Did you talk to your lass _Clare_?"

_Oh_

Her lass, the person she loves, it _should_ be easy, _right_? Al least she thought it was at the begging.She remembers the way they met, so casual and yet so romantic.She misses the way everything was before, how her eyes would look at her with so much... _love_? _Probably_.The tenderness in her kisses or even the peaceful way in which she would grab her hand.

"No-I- haven't"

Of course she would shutter, she was hurt and as same as her friendship with the gang, her relationship with Mary was on the ground, on the floor, on standby.Michelle wanted to kiss her, now more than ever, because if her lass made her feel the way she does, she wouldn't let anyone else hurt her.She desperately wanted to show her how important it was for her, how she daydreamed, more than she would like to admit, about her and her eyes and her hair.Nonetheless, she has to let her go, in one way or another.So she decided to help her to get her girlfriend back.How? Well that remains to be seen.But first she needs to know her story, to understand why Clare was so enamored with her.

"Can I ask you something?"

The blonde girl noded her head and silently moved closer to her.Michelle ignored the way her arm felt like fireworks when she accidentally touched it.

"When did you-meet your lass?"

So she's going in that direction.She desperately wanted to avoid her question, Clare felt as the air has let her _lungs_ for a moment.Still regretting her decision the blonde girl starts telling Michelle how she met her, she hopes she can still call her that way, girlfriend.She only starts after taking a deep breath

"We met on a club, a reading club actually, we had to read a classic book with someone from the club we didn't know and well...I was sorted and I got her as my reading partner"

Michelle can see how little sparks appear on Clare's eyes as she tells her story.It makes her lose her focus for a moment.

"Anyway, so we we had to choose one classical book to read and I was between Emma or Pride and Prejudice, both of them by-

"Jane Austen, yes"

Now Clare was surprised.She grabbed her friend's arm and asked with a betrayal smile coming out of nowhere 

"How do you...? I mean I never-"

"You mention her a lot Clare, it's exhausting actually"

Her voiced sounded a little less rude that she intended, at least that's how Michelle heard it in her own ears.Trying to avoid the warm feeling that was silently sneaking into her cheeks the tall girl nod letting her friend continue her story.

"So we had to choose one book and we decided to read Pride and Prejudice because she has already read the other one, we never met in person, at least not at that time.She lived in Galway and well we live in here, so we sent letters to each other to talk about the book"

Clare makes a pause to look at her friend who is patiently listening at her, she never saw her so quiet.Taking her silence as a sign, the short girl continues talking

"Time passed and we become friends and our letters got longer, but really longer, we had the same taste in music, books and movies, she was perfect.She was the first girl I _really_ liked so at first I was like fuck I can't like her! She is a lass! But then, after months of denying I realized I was well lesbian"

A little smile appears in Clare's lips as she tells her experience, her eyes are filled with a spark which can't be ignored by Michelle, not anymore.The raven-haired girl made herself a dangerous question she wasn't sure of the answer yet.Would _Clare_ be her Mary and help her accept her...thing for girls?

The short girl continues talking and now is Michelle's turn to look down, she can't see her friend at the eye at the moment.Her inner conflict is too strong.

" after a while I came out and then, well, I realized I needed to tell her my feelings but I was really scared.Did something like that _ever_ happened to _you_?"

Clare tried to ignore the way Michelle's body tensed after she formulated the question, she didn't have the intention to make her fell uncomfortable even when she knew...well her not corresponded feelings for her.She took advantage of her friend's lose of words and kept narrating

"I realized she was a lesbian too when we met, well we actually kind of bumpt into each other during the 50s prom, she asked who Mae was and I told her she was my date, Mary was beatiful, she had a suit with a blue tie.People didn't understand her and kind of bullied her at the prom but I realized she was like me.You _can't_ hide who you are, _you know_?"

That was a good question Michelle wished know the answer for.she has been questioning who she was ever since her friend changed her world drastically.

"And then I came out to her too when we met at David's party, she told me she has moved to Derry and that was the reason her letters never arrived, she was too afraid to talk with me, you know?.She liked me too! And she told me that on the party, She was so happy that she even kissed me!"

She wanted to be happy for her friend, she was happy for her, she was so proud to be herself.Michelle wished she could be like that and not the pathetic person she was.She let herself imagine her and not Mary kissing her friend, she couldn't help the smile that approached her lips.

"After that we officially started dating, in secret, my mother doesn't accept me yet.I told her I was gay and she almost got me out of the house"

Clare remains in silence for a moment, trying to contain the tears that were calmly coming to her eyes.Michelle decided she wanted to support her friend and did something brave.Tears officially came out of her eyes as soon as she felt a soft hand on her cheek.Clare definitely felt like Jane Bennett.She took a deep breath and continued

"And now we broke up, well accidentally broke up, I didn't mean to be alone on Christmas eve,you know?"

Michelle can only focus on the way her hand is still moving back and forward on her pale skin.If she weren't taking so passionately about someone else Michelle would definitely move even closer and touch her lips.If she has only realized her feelings earlier. _Stop being a jerk and listen to her Michelle_.

"I love her, I guess, I don't w-I want her back"

Finally, the truth was out.At least that's what Clare forced herself to believe.She couldn't help imagining someone else while saying those words.It was probably because her hand was on her cheek for a long time.Yes, it was _that_ for sure.

Michelle knew what she had to do, even if her heart would get broken in the process.

"Tell me where she lives, you will get your lass back"

......................................................................

"Are you sure about this?"

Asked the tiny girl next to Michelle as soon as they arrived to the front door of Mary's house.It was big and beautiful, Michelle's entire house could fit in there.The front door was carefully decorated with a Christmas crown in the door and lights all around the windows.It was like Michelle's perfect Christmas dream, it's not like _anyone_ would ever know that of course.Feeling brave again the raven-haired girl grabbed her friend's hand again and crossed her fingers, silently supporting her.She has finally accustomed to the fireworks in her skin, she had not other option though.

Clare Devlin knocked on the front door with a nervous smile on her face.They waited for a moment until a young woman arrived at the door _.Wow she is really beautiful in this light_ thought Michelle as she saw her friend's ex girlfriend.Clare was right all this time, the girl was not blind at all.

On the other hand Mary O'Donnell angrily looked at the girl next to the love of her life.What was she doing here when she was the one who....? She had no reason to be-

"What the hell are you doing here? Why is _she_ here?"

The last question came as a slip, she didn't intended to treat her like that.She knew it was rude to her to act in that way but she was devastated. She felt just like Mr.Darcy.

Clare was speechless, for the first time her girlfriend made her lose her words.Sadly it wasn't because of her beauty or her charming smiles.

_For God's sake! I hate this_!

" _Look_ , my best friend is heartbroken and she, well she....fuck _she_ -

Michelle couldn't finish her sentence because she was suddenly shut by three little damn words that put her world upside down and made her stomach move drastically to the ground.

"I _love_ you"

Her words came out as a whisper but Mary felt them as a tone of bridges.her heart was erratically beating on her chest and she could feel how little tears were silently forming on her eyes.She was so emotional that without any further presentation moved closer to Clare and desperately grabbed her by the shoulders, oh how has she missed her lips.She kissed her as her life would be gone without her, it was magical.Clare was happy too, her smile could literally light a whole city.Everything was fine, the way she kissed her was confirmation enough.

_Well, at least she is happy_

Michelle carefully leaved the scene with a tiny smile on her lips.She was honestly happy for her friend.For the first time she decided to be brave and not think in her own happiness first

_Wait, this is how being James feels like?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like the background story I made up for Clare?
> 
> Let me know in the comments :)
> 
> Ps: A christmas chapter is coming up soon!


	8. Chapter 8: Closure

Michelle was strangely calmed when she left Mary's house. She could reckon her happiness was because well...Clare was happy as well. She definitely felt fuzzy inside, like something was burning inside of her and her stomach was moving up and down simultaneously. _Did she feel satisfied? Maybe_. But right now her emotions weren't the most important thing for her. Her happiness resided in one person whose smile was stamped in her curly-haired head, making her eyes spin a little. _Clare Devin was in her mind and she didn't have any intention of letting her go._ Michelle Mallon never thought she would feel happy about someone but herself and the rest of the gang, except for James, he could suffer as much as he humanly could. However, she couldn't avoid the feeling of accomplishment after leaving the person who has been inside her head for the last month with a beautiful smile on her face. Clare was happy. She made _Clare_ feel happy.

_Michelle never makes people happy._

The thing is that the oldest Mallon girl had a dark secret anyone but her could know. No, it wasn't her being _in love_ with her amazing best friend. It was even a darker secret, it was embarrassing and humiliating. Not even Erin knew her untold truth and she has known her since they were five years old!. The truth is that Michelle felt bad, _really_ bad, she felt like no one will ever see her as something _more_ than a _horny teenager_ with a _bad_ future.

She felt like a _disappointment_ , like a _burden_.

She has been feeling like that ever since she started failing in school. Or when the first boy she was into never corresponded with her feelings. Or when her mom would constantly compare her to her aunt. _Oh, how freaking good it would be if her aunt would have never existed._

Still having a heavy mental activity, the tall girl entered her small house, moved upstairs in silence, and as she were on automatic pilot opened her bedroom door and laid on her bed. She did all that quietly with a big smile on her mouth. She looked _terrifying_ , like a maniac _serial killer_. At least that's how James saw her from his point of view. He doubted about asking her how she felt for a moment until he bravely moved closer to her and said

"You either kill someone or had an amazing time with a fella, _please_ tell me is number two Michelle"

She wanted to punch him, she would have punched him if she weren't extremely contented. She satisfied herself by looking at him in the eye and show the middle finger, but somehow it wasn't as effective as it should. James was still confused when Michelle started talking

"I helped _Clare,_ jerk"

That's it, She said it. She has done a good action and made someone happy for the first time. When she looked at him again he was speechless. She suspected he would remain in that stage for a long time, so instinctively continued talking.

"Is weird that I _trust_ you but, I have never felt like _this_ before, you know?. She was happy, I made her fucking _happy_ "

Now she was grinding again. Crap, _being in love was going to exhausting for her jaws_. Now her teeth were coming off her face with a wider smile. _What have you done to me, Clare?_. While Michelle was still trying to calm herself and her stupid smile, James remained in silence. He felt proud of her, he really did. But he wasn't brave enough to let her know that...yet.Seeing her cousin was far from giving her an answer the tall girl continued explaining herself.

"I have always felt like a disappointment, no one was _ever_ happy because of me, _ever_ , I think I have always tried to make myself happy but now...You should have seen her smile, She was _definitely_...in love"

Now she has said too much, she figured it out when she saw her cousin's eyes open significantly as she said her last words. She has screwed it up, there was nothing more she could do.

"You know how I feel _about_..."

She made a small pause to recompose herself, she felt stupid tears coming to her eyes, she could literally feel the water moving to her face. _Was she blushing?_ She should stop thinking about her or either stronger _feelings_ would get into her system, strong feelings that will make her do something she will probably _regret_ in the future. Still, with her heart beating erratically on her chest, the tall girl continued talking, this time holding a bottle of Ron that was casually holding beside her bed, on a small table next to her. But _not even_ Ron could make her feel like Clare does right now.

"I have felt like... since I was 5 years old, but I'm not used to feeling like _this_ , feeling like _you_ "

_Was it a little smile he saw on her face? Was she actually smiling at him? Was he part of her content?_ Or maybe it was his own happiness that made him think otherwise. It didn't matter, his cousin was being honest with him and that was priceless. _Oh crap she started talking again_ thought James after losing track for a moment

" _Anyway_ , I want to thank you for listening to me, I know I treat you like shit because you are shit but you ain't bad shit asshole"

_There it was again_ , his cousin was back. He had no words to express how grateful he felt about her talking to him like that. All he wanted to do was to use his words to make her feel loved. Sadly, James was extremely bad with words so the only thing he could say was 

"I'm _proud_ of you, cuz"

If Michelle was shocked about his words she never showed it physically. She remained in silence for a while and slowly got up from her bed while her cousin looked at her with a confused face and a lazy smile. She moved to her bedroom door and when she arrived at the doorway she talked from behind it and yelled 

"Of you tell someone about this you are dead, moron"

James knew it was her way to thank him. He smiled all the way back to his room suddenly feeling confident enough to call Quinn's house.

* * *

"Two tickets for Sense and Sensitivity, please"

After the make-up session, Clare and her girlfriend had it on the front door of Mary's house. They decided it was a good idea to go out and celebrate their reconciliation. They briefly thought about telling the rest of the gang, Clare told Mary she was a derry girl now. At the exact moment she told her she was officially part of the group, she grinned like never before. Her smile was blinding and beautiful, Clare couldn't help herself and kissed her again. As they wanted to have a more intimate adventure they decided the cinema was a good idea. Clare was very contented with their decision, she has recently seen in the news that a new movie was coming up, it was about one of her favorite books and she was sure Mary would love it as well.

"You know what I love the most about you?"

Said Mary to Clare while they were waiting in line to enter the movie theater. The blonde girl grabbed her hand and denied with her head.

"I love how _brave_ you are, you ain't changing for someone else"

Was she really _that_ brave? Clare has never seen herself as someone brave. She has always done what made her happy. She came out to her best friend, she believed in equality among everyone. She wanted everyone to see the world the way she did. On the contrary, she firmly believed Mary was braver than her. She has had a tough life. Her family never accepted her sexuality, her parents almost kicked her out of her house. As same as Clare, her girlfriend was the first person in her family who openly accepted her uniqueness. However, if Mary had never spoken to her in the first place, Clare would have never realized how in love she was for women. Unfortunately, she couldn't help thinking about someone else who might be feeling like she did a long time ago.

Clare realized that maybe Michelle was _devastated_ right now.

_Was it normal to feel deeply sad on a date? Sure_. Maybe Clare believed it was but she didn't try to make herself think the contrary. If Mary noticed a shift in her behavior she never showed it. According to Clare, she was too focused on the line in front of them. She was terrible at identifying people's emotions.

"Sorry ma'am but we can't let you in"

The voice of an old man coming from the front door of the cinema brought Clare back to reality. _Why does he think he has the right to-_

"I'm sorry but why can't we go and continue our date?" 

Mary answered with both of her eyebrows lifted up. She was not only concerned but also an angry feeling was beginning to arise on her chest. Otherwise, Clare was still processing the entire situation.

The old man gave the couple in front of him a _disgusted_ look and said 

"Some people might feel _uncomfortable_ with a scene inside the theater"

_What the hell was he talking about? Why did he think he has the authority to suggest such a thing?_. Clare thought as she heard the man's words. She was clearly not interested in keeping him with the last word, not now that her girlfriend believed in her, not now that Michelle believed in her. The blonde girl decided to start taking action when she saw a little crowd around them, she just needed to be brave enough to confront the tall man in front of her, she would do it for Mary, but she will also do it for Michelle. The warm hand of her girlfriend joined to hers gave Clare confidence enough to fight against injustice. So she opened her mouth and said

"People can mind their own _business_ or go and see another freaking movie, we will enter and have our date if you mind"

She said the last word while getting closer to the door and using her body as support moving into the movie theater. She felt extremely contented with herself. She felt brave, Clare has never felt like this before. When they arrived at their seats they kissed and started eating up their popcorn bag which of course was too small for both of them. As soon as the movie started Clare joined her right hand to Mary's hand and casually rested her head on her shoulder. A sigh of satisfaction left her mouth when the short girl felt a pair of soft lips brushing her forehead.

Strangely, for a reason still uncertain Clare's mind decided it was a good idea to imagine someone else with her at that exact moment. She tried to avoid thinking about someone with dark hair and amazing eyelashes. But sadly for her, when she looked at one of the main characters in the movie Clare hopelessly accepted her fate. She would have to get used to thinking about her.

However, Clare wasn't physically able to stop her heartbeat from getting stronger as soon as her tall friend appeared in her mind.

Mary remained in silence until the end of the movie, trying to ignore her girlfriend's shift of behavior. _She was being paranoic, wasn't she?_

They were both trying to avoid the inevitable.

* * *

"I came as soon as I could, what is the emergency?"

Said Clare still trying to calm herself up after running as fast as she could to arrive at Erin's house. After her tense date with Mary and a weirdly silent walk, the tiny girl was called by her best friend who was currently hyperventilating in front of her with a worried look on her blue eyes. Clare had no clue why she was so blue and why her emergency couldn't be left for tomorrow. She definitely knew her time with Mary was less than pleasant and a missing talk will probably take place in the future. But now her almost broken relationship was not important, her best friend was.

While Clare was still debating with herself Erin Quinn, who was proud of her lexical ability, was strangely speechless and holding a single pillow on her arms, as her hopes and dreams were attached to the inanimate object. After a long silence, Erin said something she never thought would feel.

"I think I feel more than attraction Clare, I think I'm in love with him"

Now Clare remained speechless, _who was she talking about? Was it David? But what about James?_

"Okay, Erin but what is the matter wi-

"I _can't_ be in love with James"

She has finally said it, she accepted her reality, she was in love with the wee English fella and her heart couldn't take it, not anymore. She has been fighting with herself for such a long time that she has forgotten what it felt like to be calm about her situation, she knew she could do avoid it no longer, not anymore. Maybe she has been too loud because her tiny friend was looking at her with her blue eyes wide open, as she has seen a ghost. Maybe she was actually reflecting herself in Erin's words. _Oh crap, she was in silence for too long._

"Look at me"

Said Clare with a sweet voice that made the nervous girl move a little bit closer to her as to listen to her more clearly; when she was just five centimeters away from her, Erin Quinn realized her confession, somehow, has made her blonde her blush in an _unpredictable_ way. Was it _related to_...has she finally realized she was into _her_? She wasn't expecting to receive such a _strong_ reaction, maybe she should have been more focused on her friend than on _her_ wee English fella. 

_Fuck, he is not yours stupid._

Said Erin to herself while waiting for her friend to recompose herself and finally give her an answer. Clare Devin carefully grabbed her hand and said.

"You don't have to be _afraid_ of love Erin, look at me and _Mary_ , we _are_ in love!"

She said her last words in a tiny whisper, as she has realized something else on the road, as she was unsure about the whole thing, as she was about to open her heart to someone unexpected. Erin pretended to ignore the sudden change in her friend's behavior and as casually as she could be answered 

"Well, at least you and Mary know you are in love, James could _never_ look at me like that, he was with that terrifying Russian lass who only wanted to use him, what a _bitch_!"

Erin clearly was jealous of Katya, she has had the chance to do something she would never do, kiss a boy on the lips without _any_ further presentation, as she was accustomed to it, as she hasn't dreamed about it or even worse as she hasn't had nightmares about it. She was so _fucked_.

"Well"

Now Clare was without words, she had no idea what was the good thing to say in a situation like this. She had two options, she could hug her and comfort her, or she could tell her the truth. She chooses the latter.

"I don't know how James feels Erin, but you should have hope, the way he _looks_ at you, _I mean..._ "

Now Erin finally had a smile on her face, a bright smile which accompanied her while she was writing about her day in her journal, she had the same smile Michelle had when she met Emma at the pub that night.

_A smile that Clare wanted to erase as soon as possible._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you think Emma will affect Clare?
> 
> Do you have any ideas for future chapters?
> 
> This story is gonna be long and a lot of things will happen with our favorite couple!
> 
> PS: I would love hearing your opinions about every chapter :) It helps me be a better writer for this amazing fandom!


	9. Chapter 9: A truth universally acknowledged

Chapter 9: A truth universally acknowledged

"Stop denying it, _Clare_!"

Screamed Mary to Clare in her room while they were getting ready to go out with the gang. Clare was putting her shoes on when the argument started. So far, her laces were still untied, her eyes were red and her heart was beating like hell.

"I don't like _her_! I don't _freaking_ like her!"

Answered the blonde girl to her girlfriend in front of her. Mary _desperately_ tried to believe her, she wanted to deny her reality. She wished the person she was in love with was not seeing someone else in another light. Oh, how **mistaken** she was.

If they have only been in a different place, _what if_...

The discussion came up a day after the night in the pub where something unexpected occurred between Michelle and a new lass in the group. Someone Clare was nor ready nor excited to deal with.

The night before 7:30 in Erin's front door

" _So_ , are we ready to go?"

Asked Erin to the gang in front of her, with a tiny smile on her face. She was extremely happy about hanging out with them again. Ever since her small talk with Clare, she realized she shouldn't avoid being around James. On the contrary, she should foster new chances to meet him even more. Maybe her friend was right and she was overwhelmed by her own emotions. She secretly hoped her wee English fella was dressed up with a light blue shirt for her, because he knew it was her favorite color. She allowed herself to smile at him for a longer time than she did for the rest of the group. She wanted to believe Clare was not just being a supportive friend with her. 

James's smile brought her back to reality. She had no clue when the rest of the group started walking and somehow she ended up being behind them with him on her side. If God existed then he was giving her a miracle.

If James weren't so shy around her love interests, he would probably grab her hand and make a move. Nonetheless, he is not that kind of guy. He is rather a bad version of her tiny blond friend in front of her. He must have been in silence for a long time, he could deduce it because of the intense look he was receiving for the oldest Quinn cousin. However, she has never seen him like _that_.

_If only he were braver_.

"They are _so_ stupid"

Said Mary to the rest of the gang while walking with them and strongly holding Clare's hand. Michelle looked at her with a confused expression on her face and something else she wasn't able to identify. Her girlfriend also looked at her but with a silly smile on her face that immediately made her give her a peck on her pink lips, her action made the blonde girl blush for a second. Michelle pretended to ignore their little moment and silently took a deep breath and enjoyed Clare's smile. 

"They are so into _each other_ "

_Well, she wasn't lying._ Thought Clare while giving a glance to the couple behind her, who were joyfully chatting in a passionate conversation. For a moment she wished Mary and her would have talked about their misfortunate situation at the cinema. Probably it was wiser to keep her doubts to herself and keep looking at Erin and her smile which _strangely_ resembled Michelle's _smile_ at her. If she has only been asleep while the unfortunate truth came out to the light. Maybe she wouldn't be looking at her friend and her pain in such a powerless way. 

Michelle laughed and playfully kept walking with them, she was still happy about the outcome between her friend and her girlfriend. It is possibly not the perfect nor the best situation to be involved in. But the tall girl wanted to be as humble as possible, even if as a consequence her happiness would be at risk. Despite the fact that they were almost arriving at the pub, Clare couldn't help herself and gave a small glance at her black-haired girl next to her, she was breathtaking. She had no intention to lie to herself anymore. Clare Devlin acknowledged to herself, as casual as possible, that she found her friend attractive and thus there was no sinful consequence on accepting it. She has been probably admiring her for a long time, or her girlfriend was suddenly too strong. Mary's hand was somehow tight as for her to never leave her to go. 

For a still unknown reason, Clare _felt_ uncomfortable holding her hand. 

* * *

" _Slàinte_ bitches"

The booz was cold, people were laughing and Mary was there, _how possibly someone could deny this was a great night?_. Sadly for Clare, she had an insistent feeling on the bottom of her stomach which would move back and forward every time her tall friend would make eye contact with her. As she couldn't control herself, she looked back at the corner of the table where the whole gang was sitting. There it was, someone she didn't know and as a matter of fact, a lass who was strangely similar to her. She had short blonde hair, intense blue-ish eyes, pale skin, and was shorter than the girl next to her. She was chatting with the girl with the most amazing lashes in the entire town, she was making _her_ laugh, making _her_ blush. _Why hasn't she made her react like that?_

Michelle never thought she would encounter her best friend from camp at Derry on a winter night of December. As soon as she entered the pub an hour ago, a random girl approached her and passionately hugged her. She remained immobile and held herself up from pushing her away. The strange lass moved away silently and exclaimed

"I'm Emma! From cabin 289!"

With those words spoken to the free air, the couple started talking and the conversation seemed endless. Even James and Erin were surprised by the unexpected turn of events. For a long time, the girls talked and reckon memories from their past, people they met, and gossips from acquaintances. They were immersed in their own world until out of a sudden, they decided to join the conversation. Emma was thrilled about meeting the Derry girls and their stories, from the time they met the hot priest to the most recent adventure they shared while Clinton was in town. She has also been part of some misfortune experiences as well, however, they haven't been as comical as theirs. 

Michelle has _missed_ her friend, and her _smile_ showed it for her. 

Meanwhile, Clare was still trying to figure out why her emotions decided to control themselves and make her eyes roll every single time the blonde girl would pronounce a word. 

_Oh, I went camping and fought a bear, Oh I'm so smart and brave._

Her brain would make excuses up to make her look vain and egocentric. Nonetheless, her excuses seemed useless since everyone would pay attention to the new girl on the gang. Everyone except Clare Devlin, she wanted to believe there was some sort of _evil_ aura on her. She wished she knew how _captivating_ words would come out from her mouth, what witchcraft she used to make someone like _Michelle_ forget about her booz and follow the conversation. _Who_ was that lady and how the hell was she suppose to _deal with_ her the entire night, there were two questions which were yet to be answered. 

For a person who responds to logic and rational thinking, Clare Devin was unsuccessfully trying to find bad aspects of the persona in front of her whilst also looking forward to gaining another person's attention. By far, it was a complicated task that looked silly from the outside. 

Emma kept talking about her camp and her training to survive in the wild when her blue eyes focused on the lass whose name she couldn't remember yet. She seemed fearless, like a lion about to catch its prey, as her eyes were burning flames against protestants. Emma tried to avoid the intense look on that scary's girl face but it was pointless, she was mad at her for no logical reason and her intentions to prove it were as clear as years written in roman numbers. However, her friend was next to her and she would never do anything to hurt her. Well, unless you try to kiss the boy she has been secretly in love with since the summer camp began, if you ever did that, you could consider yourself dead.

They have met in a summer camp when they were 13 years old. In Emma's case, she has been sent there to find friends and leave her room during the summer holidays. Otherwise, Michelle's mother believed her daughter's behavior could be changed as soon as she gets away from Erin and her friends. As a consequence, her plan didn't work out and on the contrary, she ended up behaving even worse than before. Michelle's mother would never understand her rebellious manner, or why she avoided so passionately to be seen similar to her aunt. Her family would never see her the way she does. 

She knew only one person who could truly empathize with her. She was intensively looking at her at that exact moment. She had to take a deep breath to control her heartbeat because she didn't have the strength enough to avoid eye contact and forget her blue eyes. 

Clare's blood suddenly moved to her _cheeks_ making her head feel _dizzy_. _Why did her eyes would make her feel like that? What was wrong with her?_

"I'm sorry babe, I have to go"

Said Mary to her girlfriend next to her. Her smile was there, her eyes were looking at her, but yet her blue eyes had a dark shadow of something that still remained to be discovered. Her words were swallowed to her throat, but somehow she managed to pronounce a sentence properly. She was tired, it wasn't only because of the long night. 

She kissed Clare's lips with a chaste kiss and silently moved away to the front door of the pub. She was capable of containing her tears until she was a block away from the pub, from her girlfriend and from Michelle Mallon and her flirty manners.

* * *

10 pm 

Michelle, James, and Emma were peacefully walking back home on an empty road, James and Emma were talking and echoing memories from the past. Occasionally, Emma would look at Michelle trying to get her attention, she was quiet and anxious. She seemed to be having an internal fight with herself. 

" _So._..you and Clare, huh?"

Whispered Emma to her friend, making her tall friend react in several ways simultaneously. First, she opened her mouth repeatedly without saying any understandable words. Then, she grabbed her hair and rolled it up on one of her fingers. Finally, she laughed and in a defensive and sarcastically way said 

"You're _so_ funny, you know?"

Said Michelle while moving a few centimeters away from her. _Was I really that obvious?_ Thought the tall girl desperately trying to avoid the hard pain on her chest.

"I thought I was wrong _but_..."

She reflected upon her words for a moment, and with a compression sigh she said

"the way you _look_ at her, you should've seen yourself"

_Was it normal to feel even worse than before? Was it normal to feel like your chest is being ripped off your chest?_. Michelle did not have the answer for any of those questions, she knew she would find them one way or another. It could be in a good way or a bad way. The pain on her chest remained, as she could predict something wrong was about to happen.

She decided to pretend she didn't hear a word her friend said and harshly laughed in the middle of the cold night of Derry. Her laughed echoed on the silent road and on Michelle's heart as well. It was beating erratically on her thoracic box, trembling _negatively_ about the future.

With those emotions still moving intensively on her soul, Michelle Mallon decided it was _probably_ a good idea to finally get over Clare and stop herself from suffering for much longer.

Clare Devlin was _no longer_ on her mind that night.

* * *

6 pm Clare's house 

An entire day has passed and with that, a whole abundance of emotions crashed directly on Clare Devlin's chest ever since last night. She has been constantly trying to avoid herself from remembering the events which occurred in the pub, from the cute smiles to the eye contact between an unknown lass and someone she was not ready to mention yet. She was never considered to be someone distractable. However, her current actions have been done almost as she were on automatic mode, she was there but _not really_. 

The blonde girl was doing house chores, as every Sunday her mother would make her do, when she suddenly realized she hasn't seen her curly friend at church that morning and; On the contrary, she has only seen the girl she was with the night before. _That_ friend who wasn't really important for her thought. Nonetheless, even when Emma, she remembered the name with a _bitter_ taste on her mouth, was not the most _relevant_ person for Clare, the person next to her at the pub _definitely_ was. The doorbell sound brought her back to reality when the dishes were dry and her bedroom already done. The short girl moved to the front door and opened it with her heart moving faster on her chest. _Rarely_ , she wished someone else was at her front door.

Mary O'Donnell smile wobbled when she saw the look in her girlfriend's eyes. She seemed _disappointed_ and _confused_. Similarly, Mary herself shared the same emotions. She gave Clare a tender kiss on the lips and grabbed her hand carrying her to her room upstairs. She opened the door and with the best smile she could get said 

"Why haven't you changed yet? We're gonna be late!"

_Late for what? **Oh**. Crap._ She has totally forgotten about the night at the pub, again. They were meant to go out that night to celebrate Erin's new job, at the pub, next to her workplace. She had to admit it wasn't Erin's brightest idea It was very dangerous and yet so them that she was eager to participate in it. 

"Let me change and we'll go to Erin's house, okay babe?"

Said Clare trying to sound as she hasn't completely forgotten about today's night out. For a reason still unknown, the word " _babe"_ sounded weird to her own ears as soon as it came out of her mouth. She took the, by now, wise decision to let her own feelings aside, on the darkest places of her mind. She was still reflecting upon her own emotions when Mary's words made her go back to her pink bedroom, where her girlfriend was next to her on the bed. 

"I think there's something we need to talk about"

Mary's sentence sounded harder than she initially intended. But for the purpose of her conversation with Clare, she needed to be as strongest as she has ever been. She had to make her come to reason, even if it meant she had to get hurt in the process. Seeing that the blonde girl was still quiet, she kept talking and letting her truth go 

"I think you are in love with someone else, Clare. And I also think you know you are"

_Why did she have to be on her period at that exact moment? Why did she have to feel her emotions on her body so vividly? Also, stop crying, Clare!_. Still speechless, the noise of the radio and Clare's sobs were the only sounds between the two girls in the room.

"I love you, Mary"

Said the blonde girl with a small voice, it was only a whisper for her to listen to. Her three words seemed real, they even felt real. However, Mary knew only one of them actually felt that way. Consequently, she continued talking and decided to say a truth universally acknowledged.

"You like Michelle, Clare, no, you don't only like her, you are in love with her"

She was shocked, petrified, and surprised after hearing her girlfriend's words. Still, she could feel her heartbeat a little bit _stronger_ than before _after_ listening to the succession of the words _"like"_ and _"Michelle"_ on the same phrase. 

"I don't like her Mary! I like you and only you!"

She shouted to her girlfriend while putting one of her trainers on her right foot. She wanted to avoid doing eye contact with her as long as possible. She was still trying to calm her heart on her chest and the sudden heat on her entire body.

Mary had had enough. She has seen her person, the love of her life, the one who made her realize she was special, falling slowly for someone else while she was still there. She wanted to let her go as soon as possible. They both deserved to be happy, and she wasn't looking at her happiness in front of her yet.

"Stop _denying_ it, Clare!"

Screamed Mary to Clare forcing the blonde girl to look at her directly to her green eyes. 

"I don't like _her_! I don't freaking like _her_!"

Answered the blonde girl to her girlfriend in front of her. Mary desperately tried to believe her, she wanted to deny her reality. She wished the person she was in love with was not seeing someone else in another light. She knew it was too perfect to be true. So she said a truth everyone knew, including Clare herself.

"I know _Michelle_ is in love with you _too_!"

Now both of them were crying. Clare tried to grab her hand says something, _anything_! But the constant feeling on the bottom of her stomach made her able of doing nothing else than remain speechless. The blonde girl wished to believe she was right, she was not in love with Michelle, she did not correspond her love. But...there was a tiny tint of something _new_ inside of her that made her think otherwise.

" I don't want to hurt you, I just want you to see what is _in front of you_ , you both _deserve_ to be happy, I let you go, babe"

With those last words, Mary O'Donnell hugged Clare Devlin and went out of her room, saying the last goodbye and kissing her on the lips for the last time. She also mentioned she would be in the pub that night, she was part of the group now though. However, Clare was still processing the information inside her mind. Her girlfriend, her first girlfriend has just broken up with her. She was lonely on the holidays, two days before Christmas eve, she would be alone under the mistletoe. But she has also realized something even more important than that unfortunate turn of events.

Fresh tears left her eyes now, tears of _understanding_ , tears of _sadness_ , tears of _acceptance_. She didn't go to the pub that night, she told Erin she was ill. Clare was too scared to see her again, now that a risk truth was moving to her heart and her mind and getting stronger as minutes passed.

Clare Devlin, _probably_ , liked her _best friend_ and the most terrifying thing was that,

Michelle was looking at _someone else_ now.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! this is my Christmas present for you :)
> 
> I hope you like this chapter as much as I do! 
> 
> A new chapter will arrive on New Year's eve, just before 2020 ends 
> 
> Thank you for all your love <3


	10. Chapter 10: Christmas traditions and new years resolutions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before everything else, I'd like to wish you a Happy New Year for you and your relatives whom I hope are safe and healthy :)
> 
> a better 2021is ready for us, hopefully
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and opportunities given to this fic! 
> 
> Goodbye, 2020! We will certainly not miss you!

Chapter 10: Christmas traditions and new years resolutions.

Michelle Mallon woke up on the 24th of December with a _bright_ smile on her face, a _shinning_ look on her eyes, and a _peaceful_ feeling in the middle of her chest. She has finally done what she had intended to do ever since the night at the pub. She was finally _calmed_ , her heart was safe and her mind was strangely silent, she didn't even hear her own thoughts. She has got over her, somehow her friend was not inside her mind anymore. At least not as the way in which it used to be.

  
  
_Michelle Mallon was no longer in love with Clare Devlin._

  
  
She was not going to deny it, she felt lighter than she had ever been. Ever since her conversation with Emma, she has come to a happy place where she had no intention to leave. Her friend, for a strange reason, made her feel comfortable enough to accept her own reality. She will never be in Clare's heart as nothing more than a good friend. And she was extremely contented with that realization. She loved her friend, she knew she did, but she also wanted to be the best version of herself. Not only for herself but also because someone else would want the same for her.

  
  
_Clare would like her to be happy._

  
  
With that in mind, she silently smiled and grabbed a cup from the cupboard. She would have breakfast, on a Monday, after a long night at the pub. She has seen Mary there, she has seen Emma there. Strangely, when Clare's amazing eyes were not way to be seen, she felt disappointed for a moment. However, then she remembered her duty. She wanted to let her go, she would never make her suffer again.

  
  
_She didn't think about Clare all night._

  
  
"You _seem_ happy"

  
  
Said a joyful voice from behind her shoulders. He looked happy as well. By far, the Mallon cousins were having a _particularly_ good morning, something which was uncommon for both of them.

  
  
_"I am"_

  
Said Michelle with an even bigger smile on her face, she couldn't believe herself, she was happy and she didn't want to deny it anymore. However, a _mysterious_ pain in her chest remained for a moment when she remembered her.

  
  
"How _come_ are you feeling like this?"

  
  
Asked James being intentionally interested in her answer. He had an intense look in his eyes which made him look even more concerned than he actually was.

  
  
"I think I _finally_ got over _her_ "

  
  
Said Michelle while putting hot water on her cup and adding the bag of tea to it. They remained in silence for a moment thinking about their respective love interests. James had had a wonderful time last night. He could talk to her about everything he _desired_ , they chatted about music, art, and writers. He must have been _dreaming_ the entire time because he definitely saw a light of something else in her eyes when he mentioned her ability to write. He was shocked the moment he realized Clare was not feeling good enough to go out with them, he believed it was probably because she was ill. Nonetheless, he suspected she may probably feel bad about an unnamed issue. Maybe even Michelle was involved in her suffering. He wished he could know how her short friend felt about her cousin.

  
  
" _If_ that makes you happy, I'm _happy_ for you"

  
  
Said James after a moment of silence between them. _What was he talking about? What do his words mean?_. He _couldn't_ possibly be talking about Clare feeling the same for her, in the exact moment in which she had gotten over her. She would _not_ get back to that road. Clare was part of her past, she was not interested in her In that way, she could never _feel_...she couldn't possibly be into her like that. She is Clare for God's sake! She is with Mary! Her friend Mary!

Her happiness went down to the bottom of her stomach and remained there the entire day, this Christmas would be as same as usual, sad and boring.

  
  
Probably things would be different if she had never spoken to her cousin in the first place.

* * *

7 pm Clare's house

  
  
"Get down here Clare, we're gonna be late"

  
  
Screamed Clare's mother from downstairs, while she was changing her dress, _again_. She has been thinking about this night ever since her separation from Mary. Every Christmas night the Mallons and the Devlins would join together to celebrate this holiday. It was a tradition that started ever since Michelle and Clare became friends in kindergarten. They were _family_ , they have _always_ been family. However, lately, her friend hasn't left her mind no matter how many times she intentionally tried to force her to leave her thoughts. Her curly friend remained and casually _smiled_ on her mind, making Clare Devlin _blush_ instantly. She hasn't blushed like _that_ ever since she first imagined Mary and her black suit. But with Michelle things were completely different as she has ever imagined, she has been thinking about what to say at the Christmas dinner which would occur in 15 minutes. _Why haven't you changed yet, Clare?_ Asked the blonde girl to herself after grabbing a red dress from the closet next to her. It has been the 5th dress she has changed in the last hour. She didn't quite know why being _attractive_ in this normal dinner was a subject that, in fact, worried her so _badly._

  
  
"We are leaving now!"

  
  
She had to prepare or she wouldn't be able to see her friends, her family, her... _person_?. That was not important now, she wouldn't be seeing her for a while. Actually, their houses were only five blocks away which meant that she had only ten minutes to see her. She had to hurry or she would be a total _mess_ , and Clare _hated_ messy things. She finally decided to wear her red dress with her favorite pair of shoes. As she intended, she was beautiful, she was _almost_ desirable. At least she wished _someone_ could look at her like that.

  
  
With that in mind, she moved downstairs with her heart beating stronger than before and her confidence rinsing more and more as she moved to her house. She wanted to listen to what her mother was saying, but all she could think about was different ways to say "hello".

  
  
"Here you are! Welcome! You are late, was Clare again?"

  
  
Said Michelle's mother as they arrived at the front door. Clare could only focus on Deirdes's and the room behind her, to see if she could find a pair of green eyes and curly hair. They were no way to be found, at least not yet. Still not finding her, she moved to the table in the middle of the living room. She has been in that house a hundred times, but this time she felt like a complete stranger. She didn't know the reason behind that thinking. When she saw her friend her smile went down to the floor under her feet. She felt as she has been buried six feet down. Michelle Mallon wasn't alone, in fact, she was casually talking with someone else next to her on the table.

  
  
Clare wasn't expected to see her in Michelle's house. All she could do was silently move closer to them and sit on the table next to James. She smiled at him and he smiled back.

  
  
It was going to be a long dinner.  
  


* * *

  
  
10 pm Christmas dinner

  
  
"-and then she entered the house only wearing her pajamas"

  
  
Clare was silent, her eyes were on her plate which was filled with an abundant piece of spiced beef which seemed to be the most interesting meal in the world for her. That's exactly what James thought after an entire hour of nonspoken words between her friend and the rest of the table. Even James managed to join the conversation several times. However, Clare Devlin didn’t show any intention to participate at all. She felt something _clapping_ her stomach that made her unwilling to do anything but stare at someone in front of her. Someone who was smiling at someone else.

  
  
Michelle had no clue why her friend was acting so _weirdly_ , she wasn't accustomed to seeing her like that. Even Emma realized something was off with her. She didn't know what to do about it, and it made her feel an abundance of feelings simultaneously. She started feeling sad and ignored, she felt as she wasn't important for her, and it was silently stabbing her like a _daga_ on her chest. Then, she felt as something inside of her was breaking apart as minutes passed away. But then, she felt angry, like a door of flaming flames have just opened inside of her and she wanted to put Clare inside of it. Besides that unfortunate situation, she realized she probably would do the same if Mary was there with them, but at least she would look to her eyes across the table. Clare hasn't seen her in the eye during all dinner, it made her feel strangely _lonely_.

  
  
"What do you think?"

  
  
 _Did someone just ask me something?_ Thought Clare after seeing a pair of green eyes looking at her. Thankfully, it wasn't Michelle's eyes or she would have been blushed by now. She felt as she has been discovered doing rather and improper act or something of the sort. She had no logical reason to believe it was the case. However, she couldn't help the constant _itching_ on the bottom of her stomach every time her pair of _beautiful_ green eyes would look at her, as she has been worried about her, as she was the most important _person_ in the room. She had no choice, she had to leave the room as soon as possible. Her feet were small and yet they were quicker if necessary. She didn't care if any member of the table was surprised by her behavior. Clare wanted to go away before something weak breaks on her chest. She couldn't handle it any longer, she had to go away or she _could_ -

  
  
" _Wait!_ "

  
  
She heard the last person she wanted to hear right now. The blonde girl carefully turned around and faced the person behind her. When she did it so, she found a pair of blue eyes staring at her, with a shadow of curiosity and concern. It made her feel guilty. Emma realized Clare's behavior was because of her as soon as she entered the room. She has been in that position several times before. She didn't have the intention to disturb someone else's mind and; Consequently, it made her lose her temper.

  
  
"You don't have to feel like this about me and Michelle, she is only a good friend, she has just invited me over because my mother was occupied with a lad I'd rather not mention"

  
  
 _Was she alone on Christmas eve?_ That thought immediately made her feel a shiver from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet. She was suddenly speechless and a waterfall of guilt was slowly moving on her entire body.

  
  
"She's right Clare, what is your _fucking_ problem?"

  
  
Said another voice in front of her with a _poisonous_ flavor in her words. Clare couldn't help herself and _avoided_ looking at her as much as she could. She _failed_. They did eye contact for a moment until the small girl moved closer to the door, where the Christmas tree was beautifully decorated with red and gold _ornaments_. Rarely, the white Christmas lights made Michelle's eyes look _even_ greener than before. As a consequence, Clare moved down her eyes to the floor, _instinctively_.

  
  
Maybe if she weren't wearing a _red_ dress, Michelle wouldn't force herself not to _stare_ at her for such a long period of time. It was useless, she was _outstandingly_ pretty and for a tiny second, she believed her friend could have a misfortunate feeling she felt once. But clearly, she wouldn't be _jealous,_ she was not even closer to that emotion.

  
  
"For a moment I _thought_..."

  
  
Said Clare with a small voice trying to contain herself and stop the imminent tears that were approaching her eyes. She had to be _strong_ , she had to let her friend _go_. _But Clare, why would you have to-_

  
  
"I don't _fancy_ girls, Clare"

  
  
Her words were true, at least for the short girl. Little did she know that she fancied one girl only. She was madly into someone who she knew she could never be _with_. _Oh, why does it hurts so badly?_ Asked Clare to herself after feeling a pinch of something new inside her chest. She felt disappointed when her eyes went down to Michelle's lips in front of her. They were particularly red today, it made her feel _strangely_ sweaty as a strong _tremble_ appeared on her back. She was not _able_ to move her eyes away from her lips. She never experienced something like this with Mary. But, in fact, she didn't have such amazing lips to look _at_. She was _doomed_ , Michelle was over her, _wasn't she_?.

  
  
_"But"_

  
  
_I fancy you_ thought Michelle as soon as the word came out of her lips. The small word made Clare _bravely_ move closer to her, she knew what she wanted to do the second she entered the room. Michelle now was in front of her intensively looking at her with a tiny smile on her lips. The blonde girl smiled back and patiently waited for her to continue talking.

  
  
"Look a _mistletoe_! Don't you think this is silly?"

  
  
Said Michelle ruining the possible moment they could have had. She could have ruined the moment but Clare would not let her chance to do what she intended to do since she arrived. The blonde tiny girl laughed and said.

  
  
"Well, I believe in traditions, _you know?_ "

  
  
 _Was she saying what she believed she was saying?_ Michelle's heart moved back and forward on her chest, making her think a _tone_ of possibilities why she would have suggested such a thing. She had no reasonable answer to her question. All she could think was her _red_ lips smiling at her. She knew what she wanted to do, even if then she would have to _blame_ alcohol for her behavior.

  
  
" _Michelle_ , are you ok-?

  
  
She could say no longer because a pair of red lips shut her _up_ and swallowed her _words_. _What was happening? Why was she doing this?_. She decided to ignore her thoughts and, shockingly, enjoy the moment. The kiss was _short_ , the kiss was _slow_ , the kiss was way more than they could have ever possibly _imagined_. But then reality suddenly made an appearance.

  
  
"Clare, Michelle? _are you here_?"

  
  
James decided to enter the room at that exact same moment. They separated as fast as they could and quickly cleaned themselves using their hands. Clare was still trying to _process_ the entire situation, she would never do that with her again. Michelle would never kiss her lips again. Incredibly, the mere idea of that possibility coming to life made her feel weirdly unhappy. Meanwhile, Michelle was making up a believable excuse for her _amazing_ but yet _unnecessary_ kiss with her blonde friend. She knew she would have to get over her after this, she had no other option.

  
  
"I had to follow the tradition, you _know_? You were there so...it happened"

  
  
Michelle's words dug into Clare's mind letting her _speechless_ again. They separated and avoided themselves during the entire night. They didn't even talk while everyone else was on the toast. Clare left Michelle's house with one persistent idea on her head.

  
  
_Erin needs to know about this._   
  


* * *

  
  
Three days later, Erin's house

  
  
"Michelle kissed me"

  
  
"She did _what_?"

  
  
Asked Erin looked clueless and confused. She hasn't seen any member of the gang ever since they met at the pub that night. Michelle refused to see her in the last couple of days and she had no idea why James was acting like something odd happened lately. She had no remote idea of why her friend has just entered her room _unexpectedly_ , in the middle of the _afternoon_ , looking as she has seen a _ghost_. She was still processing the entire situation when Clare started talking again.

  
  
"We were next to the Christmas tree, and there was a _mistletoe_ above us, so I joked about how I respected traditions when suddenly she just _kissed_ me"

  
  
Simultaneously in Michelle's room, James was sharing a similar situation with her cousin who was _hyperventilating_ while narrating her side of the story.

  
  
"So, you kissed _Clare_?"

  
  
"That's what I just said _jerk_ "

  
  
She was angry, she was desperate, she had no clue what to do next. It was similar to how the person whom they were talking about was feeling ten blocks away from them.

  
  
"And then what happened?"

  
  
Asked Erin with a veil of curiosity on her eyes that made the blonde girl question if it was a good idea to continue her story. She continued anyway.

  
  
"And then, well..she just-"

  
  
"I just changed the topic and made up a _crappy_ excuse at the moment, saying that the kiss could happen with anyone because of the stupid tradition thing"

  
  
"So she just _ignored_ the fact that she kissed you and said it was because of the _mistletoe_ tradition?"

  
  
Said Erin to Clare who, at this moment, could only nod with her head and roll her eyes. _If_ she was hurt about the outcome of the situation she never said it. At least physically.

  
  
"I did something even _stupider_ "

  
  
Whispered the tall girl to her cousin who was still processing the information he has gotten into his hands. As she realized he would not speak any sooner she kept talking to him.

  
  
"I said I _didn't_ fancy girls"

  
  
"She said the _truth_ , Clare"

  
  
Said Erin with a lifted eyebrow and a _suspicious_ smile on her lips. Meanwhile, the tiny Clare was still dealing with the imminent truth that was about to come out.

  
  
"But that is a _lie_ , Michelle!"

  
  
Answered James half whispering and half screaming. She rolled her eyes and punched him for being too loud. She remained in silence for a minute before continue talking.

  
  
"I have _something_ to tell you"

  
  
Quietly spoke Clare after a long moment of silence between them. Erin smiled at her and moved her head giving her the chance to develop her idea.

  
  
"I _listened_ to you and Michelle on the sleepover"

  
  
Now Erin's eyes were wide open but her mouth remained silenced. She felt half angry and half disappointed at her friend. But then...Michelle's heart came to her mind. She must have been so _vulnerable_ with her, she must have felt _so_...Clare and Michelle were exactly in the same picture but none of them _knew_ it. They were blind by their own misunderstandings.

  
  
"How _was_ the kiss?"

  
  
Asked James with genuine curiosity, he wanted to help her cousin more than anything. But what he wanted the most, was for her to discover her own feelings by herself.

  
  
" _Weird_ "

  
  
" _And_?"

  
  
Said Erin moving her right hand to indicate her to continue talking.

  
  
_"Slow"_

  
  
Clare whispered with a _treacherous_ smile moving slowly to her lips.

  
  
_"Good"_

  
Said Michelle slowly gaining color on her cheeks as the small word came out of her mouth.

  
  
_"Amazing"_

  
  
Now it was Clare's turn to _blush_ and laugh _nervously_.

  
  
"Do you like _Michelle_ , Clare? I think there's nothing else to deny now, _isn't it_?"

  
  
Clare Devlin took a big breath and with her heart on her chest beating _erratically_ said the words that would determine her next decision.

  
  
" _Yes_ , I like Michelle"

  
  
The smile which came out of her lips was more than enough to make Erin grab her and hug her with an enormous smile on her face.

  
  
"Let's make the next kiss _real_ and _tender_ "

  
  
Whispered Erin while hugging her friend who nod her head and laughed at her with her cheeks slightly blushing and her mind picturing Michelle's green eyes. She felt at peace, finally.

  
  
"Are you over her _now_?"

  
  
Asked James with an intuitive smile on his face, which somehow made the raven-haired girl feel strangely timid around her male presence. She knew he was secured she hasn't _actually_ -

  
  
"I can't be over her after this, but I _just_ -"

  
  
" _What if_ she doesn't feel the same way?"

  
  
Questioned Clare with her happy smile quietly moving to the floor behind her feet. For a small moment, her heart _stopped_ beating. Erin looked at her with a tiny smile and said.

  
  
"You'd find it _out_ "

  
  
"Clare couldn't _possibly_ -"

  
  
"How could you _know_?"

  
  
Said James grinding at her, Michelle wished to believe her words were true. Thus, she knew she would never know if she didn't take action. But... _when_?

  
  
She decided she would speak to her on New Year's eve, she could start 1996 with _Clare's heart_ or a broken one instead. Michelle, incredibly, wanted to believe God would be merciful with her.

  
  
The next days would be torture.  
  


* * *

  
  
New Year's Eve Erin's balcony 11:40 pm

  
  
Clare hasn't talked to her all night. Firstly, because she was scared something unexpected would happen and therefore her heart would be broken. She wanted to avoid the mere chance for her to be vulnerable again. She didn't want to feel as something wrong was about to happen. Meanwhile, Michelle was dealing with her own hell as well, she desperately wished to put _her_ lips on _hers_ again, since her talk with James, she has finally realized Clare could never make a **move** on her. So, _naturally_ , she would have to make her imagination come to life. She was tired of waiting for an opportunity to feel _happy_ again, she knew Clare would make her content and even she _could_ -

  
  
" _Hey"_

  
  
Said a small and delicate voice next to her, she turned around and faced a pair of blue eyes she has been yearning to see all night. She lost her ability to _breathe_ for a while, she was too amazed by the view.

  
  
"Hey _stranger_ "

  
  
Answered Michelle with a _shutter_ she didn't know was there. Her nervousness was escaping through places she hasn't reckon until today. _Oh, what that girl made her, it was nameless._

  
  
"So, a new year, _huh_?"

  
  
Asked Clare with a small smile that made the girl next to her blush for a _momen_ t. She didn't know if it was because of her or the winter night upon them, she decided to stop her mind and enjoy the view. _Why hasn't she seen her before?_

  
  
"Yes! New year, new _opportunities_ "

  
  
Said the tall girl while sighing in the cold night of Derry. For a small second, the blonde girl wished to grab her hand and stop her coldness, still, she contained herself, at least for now.

  
  
"Talking about new opportunities _I_ -"

  
  
" **15,14,13,** "

  
  
People started counting and fireworks were lighting, she had to make a move fast or she would start a new year without her last year's resolutions undone.

  
  
" _Clare I_ -"

  
  
**"12,11,10"**

  
  
"You were _saying_?"

  
  
Asked Clare with a _hopeful_ voice that made the Mallon girl grab her hand and said the truth, it was harder than she expected it to be.

  
  
"Can I _kiss_ you again?"

  
  
Her questions caught her by _surprise_ , it was the latest thing she would have expected her to say.

  
  
**"9,8,7"**

  
  
" _Clare?_ I'm freaking _dying_ here"

  
  
**"6,5,4"**

  
  
"Clare? Give me an answer _please_ "

  
  
Just when Michelle was silently leaving, with her heart slightly broken on her chest, she felt a tender hand on her arm that suddenly made her face the most amazing _ocean_ eyes in all Northern Ireland. Clare's eyes were filled with something she has never encountered before, **_desire_** , she immediately felt her heart go back to life again. Following her wishes, she slowly moved closer to her and touched her cheek with her right hand, making the small girl melt in her arm. She had to blink to make sure it wasn't a dream. Out of a sudden, she felt as they were the only people on the roof. She moved even _closer_ , and _closer_ and _closer_ until she felt a pair of soft lips touching hers. This kiss was completely different than what she could have ever expected, this time she took advantage of her not spoken confession and hugged Clare with her arms trying to clear any doubt that she wanted this, she wanted this moment, this kiss with her.

  
  
"Happy New Year!"

  
  
And so they continued kissing until there was no air left on their lungs. They didn't matter what the rest of the world would say about them, or the surprised look on Orla, James, and Erin's faces, they only had eyes for each other. Clare quietly separated from her and laid her forehead on Michelle's. She had no _intention_ to let her go.

  
  
"Happy New Year... _girlfriend_?"

  
  
Said Michelle still trying to recover herself and with a question that would change her life as she knew it last year.

  
  
"Happy New Year, _girlfriend_ "

  
  
Answered Clare with a big smile on her lips that made the girl in front of her kiss her again, things would be okay after all, they could believe in happy endings after all.

  
  
_They didn't know it was only the begging of the story._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about the ending of this chapter?
> 
> what do you think will happen next? Let me know in the comments!


	11. Chapter 11: Unbeliavable true

Clare hasn't seen her since New Year's eve, she hasn't seen any member of the gang either. And most importantly, she wasn't brave enough to pick up the phone and rang Michelle's house. The truth is, she was _scared_. She wasn't scared of her sexuality, she was proud of who she was. However, she couldn't help but think about how her new... _girlfriend?_ Must be feeling in that same moment. She knew Michelle was no ignorant of physical relationships with other human beings. She was half virgin for a reason. Though, she was not sure how she would feel when those new physical acts involve both of them. She was a good kisser, she would not deny that crucial fact, still, Clare didn't want to rush things with her. It has been six days and she was _unable_ to walk five blocks and talk to her. It was pointless, they have _kissed_ already! Why was she being so neurotic? She confessed her feelings for her, _twice_! They have had one of the most romantic kisses possible and no pressure was under both of them. Why she suddenly whished to be perfect? _Again?_ She needed to take initiative and face her, both of them deserved to be-

  
  
"Clare! _Michelle_ is here!"

  
  
 _Did she just read my mind? Amazing_. Thought Clare once she heard her mother's voice coming from downstairs. She quickly touched her hair and brushed her teeth (just in case a kiss appears out of nowhere) and counted to ten, she didn't want to look so desperate, even if she has been thinking about her all week. Oh, how has she missed her eyes looking at her, they were as beautiful as always. She had to control herself as not to jump to her arms and kiss her _directly_ on the lips, nor of them were ready for such exited love demonstration. Not _yet_.

  
  
" _Hey_! Do you want to go outside and have a walk?"

  
  
Asked Michelle hopefully, making Clare's heartbeat her record and rush erratically on her chest. She nods her head and with a sigh, she grabbed her coat and went outside with Michelle. They walked in silence for a while until the black-haired girl caught Clare's hand and crossed her fingers with hers. _Was her hand sweating? Why has she never felt her skin before?_ She has missed the opportunity to feel her softness and tenderness.

  
  
" _So_ "

  
  
Said Michelle with a soft voice and looking directly into the tiny girl's eyes.

  
  
" _So_ "

  
  
She responded using the same tone and also looking at her intensively. Were they being _awkward_? Was she being too passive around her? What if she says she does not want to kiss her ever again? What if-

  
  
"Okay so, let's face it, _aye_? I don't want to keep this for much longer, what are we going to do about us?"

  
  
 _Okay, so Michelle is back_. Reflected Clare while internally laughing about her friend's reaction to her situation. Similarly, she was having a similar feeling inside her chest, uncertainty was silently driving her crazy, she needed to know what to do next.

  
  
"What do you want to do about _us_?"

  
  
Asked the blonde girl inquisitive looking at her with a tender look in her eyes. If Michelle were completely sure about what it was correct doing next, she would have kissed her for being a craic killer like she always is. Though, she resisted the temptation and said

  
  
"I want this to continue, _don't you_? Like officially continue"

  
 _Was she blushing?_ She hoped her stupid body wasn't showing how thrilled she was about her affirmation. As same as Michelle, the blonde girl wished more than anything to be with her, officially. She had to smile wider to say the next words

  
  
"Of course, _girlfriend_ "

  
  
There it was, the blush has officially invaded her pale skin and now it has moved towards her entire body, making her look like a cherry. Was Michelle proud of making her blush in such a powerful way? _Of course_. Would she prove how happy she was about her response? _Fuck yeah_.

  
  
The kiss they shared then, marked officially (and finally), the begging of a new path in their lives where Clare and Michelle were spelled together.

  
  


* * *

  
  
"What about next Saturday?"

  
  
Asked Erin to the rest of the gang while they were hanging out in their room. After the holidays, they would always spend as much time as possible together, they would go out to an interesting place or do something of the sort. However, the school was arriving soon and therefore they would have to spend a considerable amount of time with people they would not rather be. Consequently, the gang tried to be together every day for the rest of the winter. Their parents did not understand the logic behind that behavior. Nonetheless, the girls took advantage of every opportunity to be with each other, they had a powerful friendship indeed.

  
  
"Next Saturday it's perfect, what do you think Clare?"

  
Said James while looking directly at her strangely silent friend. She was next to Michelle on Erin's bed with their hands joined and fingers crossed, she was slowly blushing and her smile was getting bigger and bigger. Oh, she was in the bloom of her relationship. Clare moved her eyes to her hand being conscious of the state in which they were in that same moment. She couldn't help and started laughing nervously while looking at the gang in front of her.

  
  
" _Saturday_ "

  
  
Her friends kept looking at her with strange looks on their faces, including Michelle, who was still trying to figure out why her girlfriend (she still couldn't believe she was saying that word) was acting in such a weird manner. Meanwhile, Clare was still feeling as the sky above her best friend's roof was holding her in its arms. It was true, somehow she was holding her girlfriend's hand and she couldn't be happier.

  
  
"Actually"

  
  
Said the girl next to her with a smile, not of the present witnesses have never seen before. Her eyes shined at her and with the sassiest smiles, she said.

  
  
"We are busy on Saturday"

  
  
James frowns at her and silently swallowed her question which was immediately answered when her cousin said something he could never imagine she would express out loud.

  
  
"We have a date, right Clare?"

  
  
The room suddenly became too small and Clare needed to find a moment to breathe. Everyone remained in silence for a moment until Clare timidly kissed her on the cheek and said

  
"I _can't_ wait"  
  


* * *

  
  
"Do you think this is hot enough?"

  
  
Asked an unsure Michelle to a bored James who was sitting in the bed behind her. She has never asked his help for anything, ever. But, incredibly today she was feeling extremely insecure about her first official date with Clare. She was going to go on a fucking date with Clare! Her excitement was too much to handle by herself and, also, she was not sure exactly what to wear on a date with her best friend. Was it weird? _Sure_. Was it monumental? _Too much_ to be honest.

  
  
"Why do you worry so much? It's _just_ Clare"

  
  
Answered James while passing another page of his magazine.

  
  
"It's not just Clare, stupid, it's my girlfriend now"

  
  
She wanted to look as desirable as ever. She hoped gold dots appeared on her blue eyes tonight, the same dots which she had the first time they kissed. Like every time she remembers their moment, she got goosebumps. For a slight moment, her heartbeat stronger than before, but it didn't last too long, thankfully.

  
  
"I think it's too much, maybe this one?"

  
  
Answered James who magically had a short black dress on his hands. She has never worn a dress like that, her mother has insisted on her to buy it when she saw it in the store. It was less revealing than all her other dresses and it was not her style at all, but Clare would _definitely_ love it.

  
  
"Thank you, idiot"

  
  
Said Michelle while grabbing the dress shamelessly from his hands. James smiled at her and left to his room next to hers. He never thought his cousin would ask his opinion about anything, in this case, how to dress well for a date. He wished their relationship could be like this for a long time, he wasn't planning on leaving soon. He still had to figure out why he had constantly had Erin's eyes on his mind.

  
  
Meanwhile, in Clare's room, the tiny blonde girl was still trying to decide what to wear for her date. Erin was occupied doing groceries with her mother and looking after her little sister. Consequently, she had to decide what to do, by herself, and try not to die in the process.

  
  
"Clare Devlin, where are you going so well dressed?"

  
  
Asked the blonde's girl mother while looking at her daughter in the entrance of her room. Didn't Mary and her broken up?

  
  
"I'm going on a date, mommy"

  
  
Answered Clare with a bright smile on her face her mother has never seen before. It was even bigger than the one she used to give Mary.

  
  
"With Mary? Are you two back together?"

  
  
Questioned her mother while raising her brows inquisitively. Her daughter blushed and timidly answered

  
  
"I'll go on a date with Michelle, actually"

  
  
Michelle Mallon? That Michelle? It couldn't be possible. She has always thought she was a bad influence for her daughter, and now the two of them are dating? When did the world turn upside down?

  
  
"Mommy?"

  
Answered Clare with a scared look on her face, has she done something wrong and now she would not go to the date? Why did she couldn't have a happy day for once?

  
  
"I'm calling Dreairie"

  
  


* * *

  
  
"This is over, now"

  
  
Over? What did her mother think could do? She won't tell her what to do with her love life. Thought Michelle when listening to her mother's words. Everything was going excellent until Clare had to open her big mouth with her enormous pink lips that she wanted to kiss since she arrived at her house. Unlike herself, Clare was still not changed and her hair was in two messy braids. She has never looked more like herself, and Michelle couldn't help but wish to hold her hair and kiss her. Teen hormones were doing their job correctly, _aye?_

  
  
"But mommy please, we are happy, we like each other! She is not like Mary!"

  
  
Was her mother comparing her to Mary? She had nothing to do with her ex-girlfriend, they were friends even. Still, she wished her mother would stop comparing her to every human being who apparently was better than her own daughter. Clare didn't see her like that, she knew she was her best friend for a reason.

  
  
"This needs to stop, period"

  
  
Now she was angrier than ever. Her mother won't let her happiness go to the floor. She was happy with her, she wanted to be with her, she waited too long until she finally reached her chance of happiness. She had to do something or else her chance to be who she is, purely and truly would be lost forever.

  
  
" _No_ "

  
  
Michelle had to stop herself from smiling, it was the first time she heard the lovely and childish Clare confront her mother. It was priceless.

  
  
"Excuse me, pardon? You are not taking to me using that tone young lady"

  
  
She could see how her mother's skin was turning slightly red as her angriness was silently moving inside her body.

  
  
"You can't tell me who I can't or I can't be with, I like Michelle and I will date her"

  
  
The raven-haired girl decided to make both their mothers as angry as possible and using her residual bravery which has been accumulating since she asked her on a date, she moved closer to Clare and stamped a tender kiss on her lips. It was _short_ , it was _intimate_ , it was _theirs_.

  
  
They waited for each other long enough, their mothers would have to get used to seeing each other more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like ages since I have updated this work, I'll try to upload chapters sooner folks :)
> 
> PS: I have to admit this isn't my best chapter since I honestly consider it a filler chapter. Though, I hope you liked it!
> 
> as always I love hearing your opinions in the comments! :)


	12. Chapter 12: Those three words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello folks! for all of you who enjoy fluff fanfics, this chapter is for you! 
> 
> Hope you like it :)

Chapter 12: Those three words

  
  
"Can you leave this moment in _PG_ , please? We're still eating"

  
  
Said Erin to the couple in front of her who was holding hands and whispering to each other. They were in Erin's house preparing for their university entrance exams. Well, actually, only Erin and James were studying. Meanwhile, Orla was asleep on the couch and Clare was talking with Michelle. Erin was extremely happy about their friends, on the inside, she wished she could ever find someone to have what they have. She secretly wished the boy next to her would ever feel the same she feels for him. But the reality is way more different than her _utopic_ mind where James fancies her.

  
  
"Don't bother us, _please_ , in a few months we'll have to separate you"

  
  
The last comment made the couple in front of Michelle blush intensively. It has worked perfectly. They wouldn't bother _them_ any longer.

  
  
"Let them be, Michelle, they are right after all"

  
  
Said Clare while letting her hand away from hers and consequently making her girlfriend lose her smile. The blonde girl started reading the book in front of her and marking important facts. While the girl next to her was angrily sat on her chair with her arms crossed on her chest. When the group finally accepted the reality that Michelle and Clare were dating, they never imagined they would be as caring as they were. It has become unstoppable, to the point where even studying has transformed into a difficult task for all of them. Except for Orla, who was still happy about her friends and usually would accompany them to their dates, is not like she was invited either.

  
  
Clare has accustomed to having her girlfriend's hand on hers almost the entire day. In the beginning, it was uncomfortable to be with her in public, she never believed her best friend would be so proud to be with her. In fact, she still had trouble saying cute names to her, they have been together for a long time now, but yet she didn't know why she was so embarrassed to be as proud as her. She has never felt like this before, and it terrified her to the bones.

  
  
"Are you okay, _Clare_?"

  
  
Asked her girlfriend who noticed her shift of behavior and tenderly looked at her. The blonde girl smiled at her and while giving her a small kiss on her cheek she said.

  
  
"I'm _perfect_ "  
  


* * *

  
  
As they have been dating for a long time now, the couple decided it was a good idea to celebrate having a nice dinner all by themselves in the best place they could find. Incredibly, there were no places in derry they considered proper for their date. As an imminent consequence, they ended up booking a restaurant in Belfast, sadly, they would have to go by bus. Yet, it was the smartest destination they could have ever been to. Michelle wished her dress wasn't too much revealing, no matter how many times Clare said it was perfectly fine. The tiny girl also had several struggles trying to choose what to wear, they have had dates, they usually spend time in their houses or in the pub. But, this was their anniversary celebration, after almost six months (who was counting) they deserved the best for each other. In this case, Michelle chose the restaurant and Clare the outfits for both of them. It was going to be amazing, after all this time, they would enjoy, together.

  
  
"Is it fine? I mean we can leave if you want, I'm not used to places like this, you know? Did I tell you I saved money for this date? Like, poor Jamal, I had to use his money for-"

  
  
" _Clare_?"

  
  
Asked the girl in front of her with a suspicious smile on her face and looking directly to the eye.

  
  
" _Yes_?"

  
  
Continued the blonde girl with the same voice and silently grabbing the glass in front of her.

  
  
"Let's pretend we don't live in Derry for one night, aye?"

  
  
 _Great idea_. Clare immediately thought as she drank a bit of her water. Unlike Michelle, she preferred to be sober tonight, she wanted to have as many memories as possible from this moment. They remained in their own world for a moment until their food arrived.

  
  
"Can I ask you something?"

  
  
Asked Michelle while twisting up a noodle in her fork. The blonde girl nodded with her head and smiled at her in response.

  
  
"Do you remember the first time you- _you know_?"

  
  
Said the raven-haired girl with a _nervous_ smile on her face she was unable to avoid.

  
  
"The first time _I_...?

  
  
Continued her girlfriend encouraging her to finish her sentence.

  
  
"The first you thought ' _wow this girl is a ride_ ' "

  
  
Finally finished Michelle not being brave enough to see her in the eye. For a strange reason, she was feeling shy tonight. The tiny girl pretended to think for a moment until she smiled wider and said.

  
  
"It was _you_ , you know?"

  
  
Michelle had to finish her red wine or she would spit in on her food. That answer was definitely something she wasn't expecting at all. The girl whose eyes were intensively looking at her held her hand and continued talking.

  
  
"I was like twelve years old and you had a new boyfriend, your _first_ boyfriend, I remember I was kinda jealous, he was constantly looking at you, all the time! And well, at that moment I believed he was a _lucky_ bastard, oh, and I also realized I may only fancy girls, you know? But I was too naive to admit it to myself"

  
  
"I was the first then?"

  
  
Asked Michelle while putting a bunch of her blonde hair behind her ears, making the girl blush in the process.

  
  
"Yes! I guess"

  
  
They admired each other for a moment until hunger was too much to handle. They weren't the best spaghetti in the world, it was not hot enough and they were on the outside. Not the perfect date both of them have imagined. Yet, they were together and that's all they needed.

  
  
"What about you?"

  
  
Asked Clare while putting a bunch of noodles in her mouth.

  
  
"The first time I...?

  
  
The girl in front of her nodded with her head and smiled widely.

  
  
"It was you too, what a coincidence, _aye_?"

  
  
Said Michelle almost laughing at her girlfriend who was now as red as she has ever been. Now it was her turn to surprise.

  
  
"When did I-"

  
  
"You were getting ready to go to the pub with us, you were wearing a red dress, and all night I _couldn't_ get away my eyes from you, just like tonight"

  
  
Answered the raven-haired girl blinking with her right eye at her and grabbing a bunch of food for herself as well. She would go back in time and do the same if it meant it would get to see her smile like that. They continued talking about several things, from school, exams, music, friends, and reminding old memories. Unfortunately, their date ended up too soon when dots of water started to make both their food and their dresses wet. They tried to ignore it and keep enjoying the night, but then it was too much to handle.

  
  
They walked outside the restaurant and ran to the safest place they could find, a roof from another restaurant. The night was cold, they were both a mess, and their makeup and dresses were a disaster. However, Michelle never thought she was more beautiful. _Who is the lucky bastard now?_  
  


* * *

  
  
"I think we should turn to the left, James"

  
  
Said Clare who was holding the map since she was the only one who knew how to read it. Apparently. She was in the back of their rented car sitting next to Michelle and Orla. Erin was as a co-pilot constantly talking to James. However, she didn't have to talk at all, the boy next to her was putting his entire attention on her anyways. Is not like Erin would ever notice.

  
  
"She said to the left asshole"

  
  
Said Michelle while grabbing her cousin from his shoulders and making him turn to the correct side. He whispered a 'sorry' and kept driving.

  
  
"Mm James, I think I read it wrongly, it was meant to be the right"

  
  
Said Clare while moving the map up and down making it twist around itself and covering her girlfriend's vision in the process. Meanwhile, Orla was in her own world manipulating a hunting knife, she would protect James at all cost.

  
  
"Can we just park somewhere?!"

  
Screamed the curly girl while moving away from the map in front of her and accidentally hitting Clare's face in the process. As a consequence, James suddenly turned off the car's engine making the vehicle get stuck in the middle of a lonely road surrounded by nature. Everyone got silenced for a moment until an unfortunate whistle was all the girls and James could hear.

  
  
"What is that noise?"

  
Asked Clare still holding the map in her hands but with her head on Michelle's shoulder.

  
"No more petrol in the car"  
  


* * *

  
  
The gang decided that the best choice was to stay as close as possible to the car. Therefore, they pitched the tent and made a small fire. At least they would be together but warm. As Michelle and Clare wanted more privacy, they decided to move further from the group and talk next to a tree.

  
  
"Michelle?"

  
  
Asked Clare while holding her hand and having her head on her shoulder.

  
  
" _Huh?_ "

  
  
Said the tall girl while gently touching her hair.

  
  
"Can I- you know- _nevermind_ "

  
  
The blonde girl stopped herself and nodded with her head. As a consequence, her girlfriend frowned at her. They remained in silence for a while until Clare was courageous enough to finish her sentence.

  
  
"Can I call you cute names?"

  
  
It was almost imperceptible, but it was loud enough for the girl next to her to listen. Michelle looked at her in silence and with a small laugh, she answered.

  
  
"Only if you let me call you 'babe', aye?"

  
  
That response was more than she was expecting and it definitely _made_ her heartbeat stronger on her chest and her cheeks blushed like never before. Only _Michelle_ had that kind of power over her, and she knew about it.

  
  
"Of course... _babe_ "

  
  
Responded Clare giving her a small perk on her lips. The kiss made her girlfriend sigh loudly in the back of her mouth even if it was a small gesture between one another. It encouraged the tiny girl to make the kiss even stronger and be able to literally taste her cherry lipstick and the bitter coffee she had that morning. They have kissed several times now, but as always, it made Michelle's heart move strongly on her chest.

  
  
"Excuse me"

  
  
James's voice brought both of them back to reality, is not like they wanted to stop doing what they were doing anyway. It took them a while to separate from each other. Nonetheless, for one of them, the kiss has meant even more than she would imagine.

  
  
"What do you want? asshole"

  
Answered Michelle when she was able to formulate words of her own will and stop wishing for her lips to be connected with her girlfriend's.

  
  
"Can I talk to you please? In private?"

  
  
Said James to his cousin who nodded her head and reluctantly left Clare with a last chaste kiss on her lips and a silly smile on her face. _What did that lass make to her?_. They silently moved further until no one from the group could possibly hear what they were about to talk about.

  
"It's about _Erin_ "

  
  
Finally said the English boy with both his eyes closed and a nervous feeling inside his chest.

  
  
"It's _James_ "

  
  
Simultaneously said the oldest Quinn cousin, to Clare who now was putting all her attention on her friend.

  
  
"Something happened"

  
  
Continued James while getting strong enough to follow up his story and not die in the process.

  
  
"I ain't no idea what to do now"

  
  
Kept saying Erin looking anywhere else but her friend, who has got up and put her right hand on her shoulder to show support to her.

  
  
"We _kissed_ "

  
  
Confessed the wee fella while, after being tortured by himself for a long time, decided to confront his cousin's eyes.

  
  
"He kissed _me_ "

  
  
Almost whispered Erin while crossing both of her arms around herself and starting to walk in circles.

  
  
"It was an impulse, I shouldn't have done it, actually"

  
  
Said James in the moments of silence Michelle, miraculously, has left for him.

  
  
"It was out of the sudden"

  
  
Explained the tall blonde girl getting blushed by the current memory of the incident.

  
  
"How, when, and why?"

  
  
Asked the raven-haired lass looking directly into her cousin's eyes.

  
  
"It was during winter holidays, you two were on a date so we decided to hang out, just the two of us, one thing led to the other and we kissed, in Erin's house, I thought Joe would kill me, luckily he didn't see us"

  
  
Now he was as red as the fire in front of him.

  
  
"Do you want to tell him the truth, _Erin_?"

  
  
Asked Clare with an interrogative look in her blue eyes that shuttered her friend to the bottom of her heart.

  
  
"Do you _fancy_ her, James?

  
  
Questioned Michelle to her cousin who was now grabbing his head with both hands and whispering words he was only able to understand.

  
  
" _Aye_ , I will"

  
  
Answered Erin with the proudest smile her friend has ever seen. It made the tiny girl grab her in a hug and encourage her to do it as soon as possible.

  
  
"Yes, I _do_ "

  
  
Finished James grinding at his cousin who gave him a friendly hit on his backhead and smiled at him. They remained in silence for a moment, until the English boy broke the moment saying something that moved his cousin's heart immediately to her troat.

  
"Are you gonna tell _Clare_?"

  
  
Now he was looking directly into her eyes and she wished he was not referring to what she thought she was suspecting.

  
  
"Tell Clare _what_?"

  
  
It was a short question but it made an impact in Michelle's heart that made her voice shutter unconsciously.

  
  
"Tell Clare that you love her, _of course_ "

  
  
Said James as it was a public knowledge fact. Michelle couldn't help herself but think if his cousin was actually true, for once. Her head started formulated questions she didn't have the answer nor she wanted to deal with yet. She questioned things such as, _was she really so much in love that she loved her? How could her stupid cousin know such a thing? She couldn't definitely feel like that for-_

  
  
"Hey! You're back!"

  
  
Said Clare while smiling at her girlfriend and holding her hand. They stared at each other for a moment until James literally left them without them noticing. They remained in a comfortable silence that Michelle used to reflect upon her cousin's words. Did she actually love her? She was _unsure_. Yet, she was sure she wanted the beautiful girl in front of her to be with her all night.

  
  
So she guided Clare to the bonfire and enjoyed her smile in the dark night in nowhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading this story :)
> 
> let me see your opinions in the comments! 
> 
> PS:Did anyone see our dear Nicola on Bridgerton? 
> 
> xoxo


	13. Chapter 13: What about the future?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What? two chapters on the same day? yes! 
> 
> PS: This is a short chapter but the next one is longer, I promise
> 
> Enjoy :)

"Have they arrived yet?"

The gang was in the Mallon house celebrating the end of their high school year and impatiently waiting for their university letters to arrive. They have decided not to say to each other where universities they have applied to, none of them wanted to separate and the idea of even knowing how far they would be was too much to handle. Nonetheless, the gang decided to open up their acceptance letters, if they had many, all together and try to make decisions, even if they were hard to accomplish. It was going to be a difficult afternoon.

"Not yet, Clare has gone to revise the post box again"

The only person able to respond strangely was Orla McColl, who answered Dreairie who was unusually worried about the topic the group of teenagers in her house was insisting on.

"They are here!"

Nervously screamed the tiny blonde girl while holding a bunch of letters in her hands. Meanwhile, Erin moved away her pint, James instinctively held her hand and Michelle grabbed the letters from her girlfriend's hands getting a concerned look from her blue eyes. She smiled at her tenderly and grabbed her hand, making her sit at the table as a consequence.

" _James_ "

Said Clare while handing in the English boy his corresponded letters.

" _Erin_ "

Continued the wee girl while carefully giving her friend's correspondence.

" _Orla_ "

Said the blonde girl to Erin's cousin who was completely focused on the task of fixing her hunting knife.

"This is yours, _babe_ "

Finally said Clare while giving the letters to the girl next to her on the table.

"And mine"

They remained in silence for a moment until Michelle suggested they all should open their letters at the same time. Still, with their heart constantly beating in all their chests, the gang waited until everyone was ready. However, Erin preferred to count to three so they would actually open it simultaneously.

"1...2...3"

An intense silence filled the room while the entire gang was opening their envelopes. Erin has sent letters to two universities, one of them in Belfast and the other in Galway. James has sent one letter to one university in Belfast as well. Orla decided to send one letter to one university focused on the arts at the last minute that was in Galway too. Otherwise, Clare wanted to go to a university in Edinburgh. On the other hand, Michelle wanted to go to Belfast as same as his cousin and her best friend. None of them was ready to give the good news first. James bravely went first with a wide smile on his face

"I got in, I'm staying in Belfast!"

He literally screamed to all the members of the table and shared a smile that moved the corners of his lips even more to his eyes, he was staying close to Erin, hopefully.

"We are glad to inform you that you have been accepted into the national university of Northern Ireland! James! We are together!"

Said Erin holding his hand and giving him a perk in the lips, surprising every single member of the group as a consequence. An awkward silence invaded the room until Michelle was the one who decided to break it

"Since when are you two _riding_ each other?"

_There are several ways to say we are dating_. Thought Erin while nervously rolling her eyes to her friend who was still waiting for her to answer back.

"We- since last week, right?"

Answered the blonde girl while holding her boyfriend's arm and trying to avoid blushing in his presence, she failed.

"Congrats fellas!"

Encouraged Clare to let Michelle's hand go and holding the couple's ones instead. That mere gesture was enough to make Michelle's heart move strongly on her chest. She was happy for her cousin and her friend, she was also very surprised as well. Yet, she was not like them, she wasn't as bold as their best friends. Of course, they knew her, almost completely. Nonetheless, the only person she felt comfortable enough to show her real feelings was, for sure, her girlfriend, who was now energetically planning to have a double date in the future. She would discuss it with her later. For now, she was too happy admiring Clare's ability to make everyone feel comfortable around her, a skill she lacked. It was one of the most things she admired about her, including how she never judged or criticized the love affections she was constantly making. She also gave the best fucking kisses in the world, is not like she hasn't told her already. She still couldn't believe they have been dating for over five months, _Clare_ and her, her best friend _Clare_ , her girlfriend _Clare_.

"What about you, Orla?"

Asked James smiling at his friend that was oddly quiet and has left her hunting knife forgotten next to her. She was unable to respond, as a consequence, she simply denied with her head and left the room being followed by her cousin after her. James took the letter she has just opened and read it quickly for himself, his happy expression went down to the floor when he found out the bad news.

"She hasn't been accepted, girls"

He said it with the saddest voice Clare has ever heard coming from his mouth. Suddenly the room felt heavier, none of them was sure what to do next. With a bad feeling in her stomach, the tiny girl gave the rest of the group the latest news, she couldn't help but feel sad for her friend though.

"I didn't enter either"

_Clare didn't enter?_ It wasn't possible, She was the smartest person she knew. She was the only one of the group Michelle knew was capable of studying several topics at the same time. If she did it with a considerable amount of time and they weren't having a sleepover altogether. She still could remember the tone of cans that were in Erin's room one sleepover before a history test. It caused Clare to have a vivid image of a statue whipping in front of them. She also witnessed it but in her case, it was alcohol to blame.

"Well"

Said the raven-haired girl with a long sign that made Clare held her hand to show support.

"I'm staying here, I didn't want to go to college anyway"

It was a hard choice, no studies meant no fancy works that are usually well paid. Still, she wanted to stay, she could work and have a decent life, one day she could probably move away from Derry.

  
"So, I guess all of us have announced everything, right?"

Asked James receiving a significant look from the girls in front of her. They remained immobile accepting the fact that they were going to be apart from one another until Clare suddenly got up leaving the cousins alone, they decided to follow her after all. The group of teenagers left the room and walked around the house following the tiny blonde girl, who was searching for Orla and Erin. She found them on the terrace of the house, Erin was hugging her cousin who has now stopped crying and was in peace. The three remained members of the group looked at each other and knew exactly what they needed to do. They joined Erin in the hug and hugged Orla as they have never done before. She needed all their support they could have, she was going to get out of it and be with her family, and probably Michelle.

"Derry girls forever, aye?"

Asked Erin trying to prevent her eyes to wept again. It didn't work.

" _Forever_ "

Michelle answered in a tiny voice and holding her girlfriend's hand, they would be apart but never separated. They were packed animals after all.

Little did she know her heart and her relationship were pending by a string. 


	14. Chapter 14: Let her go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers! here's a new chapter! I hope you like it!
> 
> Ps: did you know Jamie-lee knows the Clare/Michelle ship?

"What about these?"

  
  
Asked Orla while holding a pair of green cargo trousers that were too big for her cousin who definitely gave her a suspicious look and then rolled her eyes saying

  
  
"I'll take them just for you"

  
It made Orla smile even wider and Erin couldn't be happier. She was going to miss her cousin, as soon as she heard the news that she would have to remain in Derry, she knew she won't see her every day, it was harder than it seemed. They have been living together for so long that, at this point, she has become her _sister_ rather than her _cousin_. People assumed they were sisters as well, leaving her side seemed too far away when they were little. At the time, it was scary to leave her hometown. But, fortunately, _James_ would be with her now. She was not alone. A part of her house would be with her.

  
"Maybe you should take this, too"

  
Said Clare while holding a United States flag that, in fact, didn't have all the corresponded stars. Nonetheless, It was _important_ for her, it was _significant_ for all of them, it kept memories she didn't want to forget. And most importantly, James was part of those memories.

  
"Thanks, Clare"

  
Responded Erin while smiling at her friend in front of her. Then, she moved back to James who was standing behind her back and was picking her clothes from the closet. Michelle was there as well, she was smoking a cigarette and looking at a pair of shoes in front of her, she seemed lost in her own world. The truth is, she was still wondering about her cousin's words about _Clare_. They have been friends for _so long_ that the idea of loving her didn't seem _entirely_ mental. Yet, she couldn't help imagining what it would be like if they haven't been _dating_ in the first place. What her life would be _like_? Would things be the _same_ with her? Would she ever _experience_ what it feels like kissing her _lips_? Maybe if she weren't her girlfriend she most probably wouldn't have so many struggles answering that small and scary question. But even considering she was Clare's girlfriend, the curly girl couldn't avoid feeling _terrified_ to know the answer. What if she doesn't feel the same way she _does_? Michelle went back to reality when she felt her girlfriend's hand touching her right shoulder. As a natural reaction, she _effortlessly_ guided her eyes to Clare's, she was giving a look she was unable to _describe_ , the only thing she could see in her iris was uncertainty. It made her feel an intense _pinch_ on the bottom of her chest that was moving deeper as seconds passed. She hasn't eaten yet, it was _probably_ that. Clare was not going to hurt her, _right_?

  
 _Is it a good idea to tell her now?_ Thought the blonde girl while seeing her girlfriend in front of her. She was giving her a big smile and her eyes were shining with happiness. Was she bold enough to _risk_ her happiness? She had no idea what to do and it was making her lose her mind. She hasn't taken a decision yet, but her time was running out and she had no more than two weeks to decide what to do next. She never felt terrified to make a choice, not even when she had chosen to kiss Michelle on Christmas eve. But this time her decision would affect more people than herself, this time, her _significant other_ was involved.

  
"And this is it, _aye_?"

  
  
Answered Erin while looking at all her friends in her room. Her voice shuttered a little when she said the last word. She couldn't believe she was actually _leaving_. No more _Derry_ , no more nights in the pub _together_ , no more _school_ , and surprisingly, no more sister Michael's speeches. Thankfully, James was going to be by her side, not only as her friend but also as her _boyfriend_. Not even in a million years, she has imagined she would be _dating_ an English fella, it was truly out of the range of possibilities. But this was her reality now, she was getting ready to go to college and she was dating her best friend, maybe the _English_ thing wasn't as bad as people tended to believe. She found peace once James's right hand held hers and crossed fingers with her, his skin was warm and soft, she had no intention of letting him go. Every member in the room nodded with their head and left leaving the blonde girl alone with the rest of her stuff, they were too _emotional_ to remain in the same room all together. It was harder than they originally imagined.

  
  
"Is it too late to add _this_?"

  
  
Questioned a voice from behind making the blonde girl abruptly turn around her head and frown for a second. It was only James, he was holding a small box wrapped with wrapping paper. He silently handed her the small object and Erin carefully opened it, trying to be as delicate as possible, she didn't want to break the present. The moment she saw a smile she knew it was a picture, It had to be. She hasn't received many presents once she graduated from school, only her parents gave her a plane ticket to go to university, it has been the most expensive thing they have ever gave her. However, it didn't compare with the value James's present had, his present was _worthy_ in a different way. It had _sentiment_ on it, it was from the _heart_ , from the _bottom_ of his chest, it was more _romantic_ than their first date. Everyone was in the picture, her friends, her family, her home. They were all smiling in the picture, they were using their uniforms. She used to hate them, but now, she has to recognize she would miss that terrible fashion icon. _**Fuck** , she was crying_. In all the years of knowing James, he has never seen her cry, not even when he almost left for England, not even then.

  
  
If he thought she was _beautiful_ on a daily basis, seeing her being emotional because of him was the most _amazing_ view he has ever witnessed. _Why did it take him so long to realize what was in front of him all those years?_ He should have _kissed_ her a long time ago. They will be together, not in the same university, yet, they will be in the same city.

  
  
 _"Sorry_ "

  
  
Said Erin while unsuccessfully trying to clean her tears from her eyes. James silently waited for her to recompose herself and after a few minutes, he held her hand(not the one which was holding the picture) and crossed fingers with her tiny fingers. _Gosh, he didn't want to say goodbye_.

  
  
"There's nothing to say sorry about, come _here_ "

  
  
Answered the wee English boy using her empty hand to indicate her a place next to him on the bed. She simply smiled at him and moved to the place he previously pointed out. Then, she rested her head on his shoulder and contemplated it. She knows it was probably too soon to say it out loud, but James needed to know how meaningful the present was for her. She opened her mouth and attempted to say a full utterance when a pair of _soft_ lips shut her up. No matter how many times James kisses her, she would always _melt_ on his lips. It was an unconscious act she had not way nor _intention_ of change in the near future. Meanwhile, the curly boy smiled on her lips and pushed her down the bed, he would have as much he could of her. He has waited enough.

  
  
it was probably too soon to know her _purest_ feelings for James, maybe she was being controlled by her hormones. If her heartbeat was a sign, she could affirm James was the love of her life.

  
  


* * *

  
  
"Is everything ready?"

  
  
Asked Mary Quinn to the three teenagers in front of her. Clare, Michelle, and Orla nodded their heads and smiled at the old woman in front of them. They were in Erin's house getting done and dusted for her (and the wee English fella) farewell party. It was meant to be a surprise for the honored people that, in this case, were Erin and James. Their family and friends have been planning the party for over a month. They have arranged everything, from the food to the decorations. Orla was in charge of decorating the kitchen and Erin's room while Mary Quinn and her sister Sarah have cooked several kinds of dishes for over twenty guests including family and friends. It was going to be an enormous party indeed. Nonetheless, Michelle was not ready to think about her best friend leaving her side, not _yet_. Of course, Orla would be with her. Still, ever since knowing that Clare hasn't entered a proper university, she had a constant feeling in the bottom of her chest that _refused_ to go away. It was _slowly_ making her nuts. However, today she wanted to make her friend as happy as possible, she wouldn't bother her on her special night. Her _problems_ could wait.

  
  
" _Everything_ fine?"

  
  
Clare's voice brought Michelle back to _time_ and _space_. She was in a dark room, with her friends and family waiting for her best friend and her cousin to arrive. No matter how _persistent_ the pain in her chest was, she had to let go soon or she wouldn't be able to pretend a decent smile for her best friend. At this point, the curly girl was only able to nod with her head and grab Clare's hand in the dark. Strangely, it didn't feel _softer_ and _warm_ like always. It was probably because she has been outside waiting for Erin and James as well, _right_?

  
  
"Everyone quiet, they are here!"

  
  
Geraldine almost exclaimed to every member in the living room. As a consequence, an intense silence flooded the room. Clare's mother had that powerful effect on people, unlike her daughter who was a nervous mess and not a person of authority. Unless, of course, her friends were involved in the conversation. Incredibly, her blonde friend had that power over her, she could change her mood and bring _joy_ to her _darkest_ days. _Why wasn't that working for her?_ Why was she so fucking _focused_ on her awful sensation in the bottom of her heart? She didn't have enough time to answer those questions, her best friend was smiling and hugging everyone in the room.

  
  
The crowd was lousy and scandalous around her, Clare was by her side and James was energetically talking about an English topic only he was interested in. However, Michelle couldn't be happier. She let herself relax and enjoy the party, at least, until Clare's mom decided to open her mouth.

  
"Everyone, I would like to make an announcement"

  
  
Her words were loud enough to make a hundred pairs of eyes look at her directly and quietly wait for her to continue saying her speech. Even the babies have been silenced by their own will. Nonetheless, Michelle couldn't help feeling how her girlfriend's hand wasn't holding hers as _stronger_ as before. The curly girl tried to keep her _tightened_ to her fingers, but the blonde girl _won't_ accept her moves. She didn't want to be worried. Yet, an intense freeze went over her spinal cord from the top to the bottom. She desperately wished it wasn't a bad _sign_ , she didn't know how _mistaken_ she actually was.

  
  
"I would like to thank all of you for coming to this celebration, Erin's parents and I are delighted to celebrate this moment with all of you"

  
  
When she did a small pause, the curly girl could notice how Clare was looking to the floor under her feet and _biting_ her lower lip. Was something off with her that she wasn't aware of? Did she-

  
  
"Especially with my Clare who is going to Edinburgh next semester, you got it, my girl, you got the scholarship"

  
  
Michelle wasn't paying attention to the entire speech Clare's mother was saying. Still, when she heard the words _'Clare'_ and _'Edinburgh'_ , her heart started beating erratically on her chest to end up falling to the floor. Or that's what she thought happened since she was unable to put into words how she was actually feeling inside herself. She knew Clare her entire life, they have had their differences over the years and now they were together. Why would she make something to _risk_ her future? Why didn't she tell her about _Edinburgh_?. Michelle could feel a big amount of tears coming down to her eyes, she was not going to cry in front of everyone, not even in front of Clare, not after _this_. The key problem was, that she needed an explanation, and Clare won't escape from giving her one. Without expecting a physical response from her, Michelle grabbed her girlfriend by her hand and dragged her to Erin's room. She needed to figure out what to do, or she would die trying to understand what the hell _Clare_ was hiding.

  
  
As soon as Michelle closed the door the blonde girl broke into tears. She could kill her mother, she had no right to tell everyone about Scotland, about her future, a future that remained uncertain in front of her eyes. She hadn't had the _strength_ enough to face her green eyes, that's not how she wanted her _girlfriend_ to know the truth. But life had other plans for her after all.

  
  
"Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

  
  
Her voice came out of her mouth softer than she intentionally intended it to be. It was inescapable, she has never felt as _devastated_ as she felt in this exact moment. Perhaps if she weren't so enamored, her heart wouldn't _hurt_ so deeply.

  
  
"I-I wanted to be with _you_ "

  
  
Shuttered Clare finally rising her blue eyes and cleaning a small tear from her left eye.

  
  
" _Here_ "

  
  
Continued while putting one of her small hands-on Michelle's cheeks and brushing it slowly. Two hours ago, it would make the curly girls smile, but _now_ it made her heart _contract_ in her chest intensively.

  
  
"you have to go, for _me_ "

  
  
Whispered to the blonde girl in front of her using all her resistance to emphasize each word. She had to go and fulfill her dreams, they were _almost_ adults, she had to let her _go_.

  
  
"I _can't_ "

  
  
She had to make her accept her choice, she wanted to stay, she had to stay or else. Well, Clare didn't know what to do if that option _takes place_ in the near future.

  
  
"You'll be alone here, I can't leave you like _this_ "

  
  
She kept talking while looking _passionately_ inside her profound emerald eyes. Clare wouldn't let her go away, she was her future and she desperately hoped her eyes would somehow _demonstrate_ her true feelings for her.

  
  
"I'm gonna be f-"

  
  
Said Michelle with a louder voice that made the tiny girl step back a few inches from her. It wasn't more than five steps, but she couldn't help feeling physically _miles_ away from her.

  
  
"Why can't you just understand I want to-"

  
  
Interrupted Clare lifting her arms and putting them on her both sides of her head. _When did she start sweating?_

  
  
"Me?! Honestly Clare _sometimes_ you-"

  
  
Started Michelle almost yelling at the blonde woman in front of her. But she couldn't continue talking any longer because a pair of soft lips were kissing hers. She tried to resist the _tentative_ moves of her lips, but she couldn't. Consequently, she _melted_ on her touch and placed both arms on her neck, making the kiss more intensive and letting herself merge _deeper_ into Clare. For a small second, the negative sensation in the bottom of her chest disappeared. _Sadly_ , it came back the moment the tiny girl broke the kiss and placed her forehead on hers.

  
  
"I don't want to leave your _side_ "

  
Murmured Clare never leaving her position and looking at Michelle directly to the eyes.

  
  
" _ever_ "

  
Continued on the same tone of voice and laying one finger on her _lips_.

  
  
"Me _neither_ , but...this is a lifetime opportunity for you"

  
  
Finally said Michelle putting her hand on Clare's and after a moment of silence, she wisely used to recover from the last kiss. She moved closer to her and whispered directly to her lips

  
  
"you have to _go_ "

  
She wanted to _kiss_ her and silence her complaints. Hopefully, Clare would let her _prove_ everything was going to be okay, that distance wasn't a problem for her. But Clare suddenly separated from her and gave her the most _significant_ eyes she has ever seen in her eighteen years of life.

  
  
"you can't decide what is best for me!"

  
  
Now she was screaming and avoiding her green eyes. It seemed that the floor under her feet was the most interesting thing in the room. She wasn't angry before, but not, she had to make an effort to look at Michelle's eyes without _falling_ apart. _Why couldn't she understand this was her decision to make?_

  
  
" _maybe_ I should!"

  
  
Answered the curly girl with a high-pitched tone that sounded similar to a shriek. Her inner irritation was radiating in her skin. She _passed_ one of her hands to her raven hair trying to change the focus of her attention to a different topic but Clare's _dark_ expression. She has never seen her this mad before, she has never experienced her blue eyes so incredibly blue being transformed into a living tsunami. In spite of the fact that she was not entirely contented with the girl in front of her, Michelle had to admit seeing her so _fearless_ made her heart _shutter_ inside of her. It was worth looking at and admiring. Or probably she was madly in _love_ with her to focus on nothing else than the positive aspects of her persona. It was most possibly the second choice.

  
"I want to _stay_ "

  
  
Said Clare after a moment of silence between them. She bravely moved closer to her and grabbed both of her hands, the impulse of her action made her entire body move closer to hers and remain in that position giving her the chance to look at her _deeply_ to the eye.

  
  
" _Please_?"

  
  
Whispered to her lips using a hopeful voice that made the girl in front of her smile for a moment. For a small amount of time, Michelle _decided_ to imagine her life with Clare in Derry. They could go on a thousand _dates_ and even the _possibility_ of living together came across her head. Her life would be exciting and full of memorable moments with the outstanding woman facing her. Yet, Michelle would not be the _bump_ on Clare's road. She deserved to have a better life, a _brighter_ future, even if she _wasn't_ part of it.

  
  
" _no_ "

  
  
She said it so quietly that Clare thought she had imagined it.

  
  
" _what_?"

  
  
Whispered the blonde girl to Michelle who denied with her head and with a louder voice said

  
"you _can't_ stay in Derry"

  
  
It was _nothing_ else she could say to let her move away from her life, she needed to understand her reasons to set her free, didn't _she_?

  
  
"why? If you give me one reason I'll _leave_ "

  
  
Questioned Clare while frowning and smiling at her girlfriend.

  
  
"It's your _dream_ "

  
  
Said Michelle as soon as the words came up to her head. It was the truth after all. Ever since Clare has started high school with her, all she always used to talk about was college and how amazing it would be to study abroad. At the time, she would shut her up and mess up with her, with the only purpose of _irritating_ her. But now, all she wanted was for her to _chase_ her dream.

  
  
"But you're _my_ dream"

  
  
Michelle would have been lying if she had said that succession of words didn't make her heart jump _up_ and _down_ on her chest. She never imagined Clare would make her feel this way, it was _extraordinary_ and _scary_ simultaneously. It was similar to the way Erin told her the characters in her books felt at the end of the journey. 

  
  
"you should take that scholarship, _Clare_ "

  
  
Answered Michelle physically moving away from her and controlling her _impulses_ to kiss her again. It was a difficult task when all she wanted was for Clare to be in a good place following her dreams, becoming the _best_ version of herself, and having an opportunity she would never have. _When did her heart start beating so fastly?_

  
  
"Why do you keep saying-"

  
  
Questioned the blonde girl breaking into tears again and covering her mouth with her right hand. Then, trying to find the missing words in the rest of the sentence, she looked up and then closed her eyes. Strangely, all Michelle could focus was on how amazing she looked in front of her. Her hair was a _mess_ , her eyes were red and she was nervously _shaking_ her entire body. Nonetheless, she was still _painfully_ beautiful in her eyes.

  
  
"Because I _care_ about you! For God's sake!"

  
  
Said Michelle before consciously process what she was actually saying. She cared about her, _right_? Of course, she did. However, it wasn't until she repeated her lasts words in her had again when she finally realized the hidden meaning behind her them. She did not only cared about her, but she also worried about her well-being and her dreams. Michelle didn't matter _not_ being in her future even if Clare would give her the chance to do it _so_. She simply was _willing_ to sacrifice herself for her. It was then when James's words came to her head and hit her like a tone of bricks, making her feel _dizzy_ for a second.

  
  
Are you gonna _tell_ Clare?

  
  
**_Clare_ **

  
  
**_Love_ **

  
Did she really love her so _profoundly_?

  
  
Would she be _strong_ enough to tell her?

  
  
She was not naive to her own emotions, she was completely _sure_ she was in love with Clare. Still, the mere idea of loving Clare seemed so natural that _scared_ her to the bones. It has been there the whole time and she was not _capable_ of seeing it. The intense spark in her heart grown _bigger_ and something similar to a wingbeat suddenly _invaded_ her entire body. There it was, the feeling Erin loved to describe in her poems. The exact feeling of seeing at Clare's eyes was making her evoke an intense heat from the depths of her soul. She _loved_ her, Michelle _loved_ Clare Devlin from the _bottom_ of her heart. It was a revelation she definitely did not expect. She probably has loved her for a long time, even before.. _.now_.

  
  
She could name a _hundred_ things she loved about her. From her smiles to her _tender_ kisses. Or how she was generous and caring with everyone around her. She was _lucky_ to have her in her life, but she was also lucky to _love_ her. Incredibly, she could bet Clare would be a _successful_ person in the future. A future she wanted to _preserve_. Yet, she couldn't remember a time when Clare wasn't on her side. She was one of the most important people in her life, she was more than her best _friend_ , she was her _family_ , part of her life, she was incapable of imagining a day _without_ her. But she was not going to be selfish and let her ruin her _future_. Michelle loved Clare so _purely_ that she would force her to chase her dreams, be happy and make her _wishes_ come true. She was the _luckiest_ person alive for having Clare in her life. Damnit she would even hug James to death to make Clare happy. _Was she crying?_ **_Fuck_** , love was making her _weak_. It's not like kissing Clare would make her body _stronger_.

  
  
"if you care why don't you let me-"

  
  
It was then when she knew Clare needed to know her real feelings for her. Perhaps she didn't love her(she desperately hoped she _did_ ). She suddenly remembered the first time they kissed. It was _entirely_ an act of love between two people who didn't know the real feelings for one another. But this time was different, this time she won't be quiet and act cowardly. Clare had to know her heart _belonged_ to her and her only. The long-distance relationships were real and they could be in one. _Was she blushing?_ Weren't they _arguing?_ She was unsure. The only thing she could _identify_ was the heartbeat on her chest getting stronger as time passed. Little did she know the impact her confession would make on Clare.

  
  
"Because I fucking ** _love_** you, Clare!"

  
  
The silence that followed left a _bittersweet_ sensation in the bottom of her chest . Clare was silent and no words were coming to her mouth. She could have been silenced for one minute or a thousand. The room was so quiet that only Michelle's heartbeat could be listened to. She waited for her to say something, _anything_ at all! The uncertainty of not receiving a proper response made Michelle stop breathing for a moment. Minutes continued passing by and she was not producing any words. Not even a fucking _syllable_. 

  
  
Clare was tearing _apart_ her heart slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter soon!
> 
> What do you think will happen next?


	15. I can still recall our last summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again! I've missed my fellow readers :)
> 
> PS: there will be a time jump from this chapter on, I hope you like this change!

" _Clare_ , are you here with us?"

Said the woman in front of her while looking at her directly. But the blonde girl wasn't present mentally since her head was directly focused on the piece of paper in front of her.

_Dear guest,_

_You have been cordially invited to our wedding celebration!_

_We would like to share our love with all of you on our special day!_

_We await your confirmation!_

_James & Erin_

_15 August 2001_

She needed to find air in her lungs to continue breathing by herself or she would choke, she could feel the _air_ leaving her windpipe slowly. she should have drunk that cup of coffee before leaving her apartment. Stupid alarm, it never sounded. However, being late to work was the least of her problems, the main problem remained in a simple piece of white paper in front of her that made her body have sensations she hasn't felt in a long time. _Why her chest was suddenly closed? Has she stopped breathing?_ It **couldn't** be. She couldn't remain in the room any longer, she _had_ to find a place to be safer.

Without saying any understandable words, the tiny girl stood up from her chair in front of the table and run to the hallway, today it seemed longer than before. One door, two doors, three doors, her office, and the bathroom door, _Finally_. When she opened the door the blonde girl suddenly realized she was sweating. _Was the air conditioner off?_ It wasn't possible, she was the one in charge of turning it on, at least she did it this morning. Several things can change in a couple of hours, the wedding invitation was the material proof of that. _Have her eyes always been this red?_ Asked Clare to herself after looking in the mirror. She was nervous, and only _one_ person is capable of making her feel like this, only _one_ person can make her heartbeat uncontrollably on her chest and her skin blush by itself. She had to wash her face with water to get away from any _trail_ of blush in her skin. How did her body manage to still resemble the same _emotions_ all these years? Why hasn't she _still_ -

"Clare? Are you here?"

Asked a small voice from behind the door and opening it simultaneously. She moved closer to her until she reached her back and looked at her from the reflection of the mirror. She has never seen her like that, it was even worse than she has expected. It required her help as soon as possible.

"You heard the news, _right_?"

  
Asked the girl behind her, the blonde girl was only able of nodding with her head and looking moving her eyes to the floor.

"I received mine last week"

She was away last week, that was probably the reason why she only heard the news just now. What a great time to remember the past. _Excellent_ timing.

"I look terrible, _don't I_?"

Questioned Clare while frowning and putting her right hand on her forehead.

"You do, my friend"

The blonde girl unconsciously rolled her blue eyes and faced herself in the mirror. Her color was back, _thankfully_.

"I can't believe she _still_ has this effect on me, I thought by now I would have-"

"Get _over_ her, yes, you _clearly_ haven't Clare"

It was true, strangely she was still capable of feeling her red lips on hers and the taste of cherry they would have when she used her favorite lipstick. She needed to prevent her mind to picture her, it can't continue like this, she has to focus on the _present_ and not in the _past_. Not _anymore_.

"Come, let's go and have something to eat, you look pale, _dear_ "

They left the restrooms and walked through the hallway again, this time, they avoided the meeting room, where everyone elsewhere discussing the next edition of "Sky" that would be on sales next month. They walked through the entrance door of the building and walked five entire blocks until they finally reached the coffee shop. It was less crowded than always, it was perfect to discuss the past and the present, the good times and the bad times, heart-to-heart conversations or dates. In this case, it was ideal for Clare to spill her heart out and talk about someone she hasn't seen in three years. Both girls ordered their coffee and wandered around the room looking for a place to sit when their coffee arrived, they finally reached their seats and started talking again.

"So, you haven't seen her in _three_ years"

Assured the girl in front of Clare drinking a sip of her coffee and receiving a small "yes" from her partner who was out of her head with a lost look in her blue eyes.

"And you are going to see her again in...a _month_ "

The blonde girl nodded with her head again and forced herself to smile with her friend's affirmation, it was _harder_ than it seemed.

"She's going to be there, and... I have to confront her, in one way or another"

Said Clare sighing strongly and whirling her coffee with a spoon. **Crap**. She was not _ready_ nor in the _mood_ to have this conversation.

"Don't give me that look, Mary"

Almost screamed the tiny girl to the black-haired girl in front of her. Mary and she have seen each other at college and eventually at work. After their separation, Mary started to join the group more often, and therefore the awkwardness between her and Clare vanished. After all of them went different paths, Erin and James In Belfast, Orla and Michelle in Derry, and finally both of them in Edinburgh.

Everything started when both girls found each other on the first day of college. As soon as Mary arrived at her room, she knew someone else has arrived before she and she would have a roommate. If she had had enough money she would have been able to be on her own, but now she had to get accustomed to sharing all her possessions(including the bathroom) with an unknown lass. She was getting out of the shower when she stamped with a small girl with blonde hair. At first, she thought it was one girl she met at the registration office a few minutes ago, but it couldn't be, she only knew one person who would have rainbows pins on her jacket. It had to be Clare, no one but her, and the rest of her friends were seen using those types of symbols. At first, it was uncomfortable, of course, they have dated a long time ago and they didn't share the same emotions they used to have almost a year ago. Thus, Mary was now one of them and therefore she only considered her as her friend. It was a huge milestone for both of them. As they had to spend a big amount of time together, Clare and Mary got used to staying up late studying together for their exams and things of the sort. When they reached the second year of their career, Clare was preparing to be a journalist and Mary to be a marketing manager, both of them got hired on the same enterprise. They couldn't be _happier_. In fact, until today, they have moved together with Mary's new girlfriend only four blocks away from their job. They were _living_ the life.

However, Clare was not entirely happy at the current moment, she would have to see her in a month, _four weeks Clare!_

"What happened between you two?"

That question was enough to make the blonde girl stop whirling her coffee and look at her directly to the eye, sadly, her separation wasn't the best, she could still _reckon_ the goosebumps she got in one of their many arguments.

\------

The couple was in Michelle's house after leaving the pub at James and Erin's surprise farewell party, just after arriving home they started an argument.

"Clare, answer me please, do you love me as I love you?"

Michelle asked her girlfriend who was not brave enough to look at her in the eye. It made her heart _shutter_.

"I just-I _can't_ -"

"You can't what? You can't _love_ me?"

The silence that followed cut Clare's heart into little pieces that have seemed to fall into the bottom of her feet. It made Michelle's eyes apart from her, she was unable to pronounce a single syllable.

\------

"We fell apart slowly"

Was the blonde's girl answer her friend's question. It was more than enough to say how everything ended, _almost_ , she was still unable to avoid wandering in the middle of the street looking for someone with curly hair and green eyes.

"So poetic, but you ain't telling me everything, _you know_?"

_Because it's too much to explain._ thought Clare while rolling her eyes unconsciously. She was calmed now, her heart was still beating but it wasn't as intense as before she arrived at the coffee shop. She needed to go to her office again, even if being there would give her more reasons to remember her.

"What do you want to know specifically?"

Asked Clare leaving her coffee on the table in front of her and looking at the black-haired girl in front of her directly to her green eyes. Mary pretended to think for a moment until she finally said.

"Did you love _her_?"

_So going directly to the point_. It was a hard question, she wasn't completely sure about the answer yet, it was easy to be with Michelle but _loving her_? It was more complicated than it seemed, at least when they were teenagers. Still, she couldn't help imagining how their relationship would have been if they have never broken-up. It has to remain in her past.

"I don't know"

  
Mary knew it was hard for her friend to continue talking about her. It was difficult for her to deal with their breakup when she was younger. But she has to admit it, their love wasn't as passionate as Michelle's and Clare's. They were-

" _Unique_ "

Said Mary out loud without noticing. However, the blonde girl heard her mumble.

"Excuse me? You said something?"

Questioned the small girl to the girl in front of her. She nodded and confessed what she has been thinking.

"I was thinking about you and me and you and _Michelle_ "

Saying her name out loud made the blonde girl feel a _shiver_ from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet. So many things have happened between them, so many _memories_ , so many _good times_. _Why did it have to end like that?_

  
"And?"

Asked Clare giving her the chance to continue developing her idea.

  
"I felt like, you and Michelle were _more_ "

_More? More than who?_ Her questions were answered before she could be able to let them go from her head to her mouth.

"You were _passionate_ about one another, even I could see it"

_Was it true?_ she was unsure. Nonetheless, she was more worried about her job than her past relationship. At least that's what she told herself after leaving the coffee shop with Mary when no many words were spoken between them.

* * *

"Should I drink coffee or tea?"

Asked Clare to herself while looking at the cabinet in front of her. She was wearing her favorite pair of pajamas and a cozy robe. Her hair was wet but her apartment was hot, it was the perfect climate inside the building. Mary and her girlfriend have gone on an anniversary date in the center of Edinburgh. She had the house for herself, it has been a long day and she had to rest. So, fortunately, she could be on her own. She was watching a rented movie, it was a love story, it wasn't the best option. Yet, it was better than being bored (and alone) on a Friday night. After putting the kettle on the hob she moved back to her place on the couch and waited for the water to boil.

"They end up together, _typical_ "

Said Clare to the television when the movie was getting closer to the middle of the story. By far, she was humanly capable of seeing the movie without associating it with any of her past experiences. Until one scene, in particular, brought memories she didn't know she had in the underneath of her mind.

\-------

They haven't spoken after the argument in her house. She was with Erin getting ready to go to the airport. All her things were packed, her clothes, her rainbow flag, her books, her journals, everything important to her was either on her luggage or her backpack.

"Aren't you going to pack this?"

Questioned Erin while holding a picture of Clare and Michelle in her left hand. They were hugging and they have gone to date. They were _smiling_ , they were _happy_.

"I don't- I _prefer_ leaving it here"

The rest of the gang didn't know about their separation, they knew they have had a rough time lately but none of the Derry girls was aware their best friends weren't together anymore. Taking that into consideration, Erin opened her eyes widely when her best friend didn't want to take a picture with her girlfriend to college.

"Why?"

The question seemed easy but it was _painfully_ hard to answer. It derivated from more than one difficult question.

"It's _too much_ "

\-------

Clare stood up from her comfortable place on the couch when she heard the noise of the boiling water on the strove. She had made up her mind, she would have coffee after all. Just when she has put the coffee bag inside the mug she heard the telephone ringing in the living room. She decided it was probably better to answer it and watch the movie later.

"How is the bride to be?"

Said the blonde girl as soon as she had her ear on the telephone. Erin was calling her from her shared house in Belfast. James and she have been living together for over a year now.

"How is the maid of honor to be?"

"Trilled"

Answered Clare to her friend on the phone. They have all made a pact that no only they would be at everyone's weddings if they end up married, but they would be each other's bridesmaids as well. Clare couldn't be happier.

"I want, well James and I wanted to see all of you before the wedding, to talk about things we may solve before the big day, you know?, so...are you free this Saturday?"

_We want to see you all_. _Would it include...her?_. The blonde girl had two options, she could pretend she is busy on a Saturday night and avoid her, or she could go and see her best friends who she hasn't seen in three years. Sadly for her, the hardest choice is the wisest.

"Yes! Of course! Do I need to travel somewhere? I'm in Edinburgh, remember?"

Asked Clare while nervously holding the telephone string. Even though she accepted seeing all of them again, she was unsure if she would _resist_ being back on Derry.

"We're going to the pub we used to go to when we were in school, remember the one with the reindeer head on the bathroom door?, well, Incredibly is still opened and we can meet there, can you come to Derry on the weekend? James and I can help you with the bus tickets if you need them"

She had the money to buy her tickets. Furthermore, her best friends had to use their money for the wedding to happen in no more than a month. She smiled at the speaker and said

"It's okay Erin, I can buy my ticket, don't worry about me, aye? I'll see you on Saturday! Thanks!"

She stayed next to her phone for a long time, she was still considering if saying yes was a good idea. But there was no turning back now, she had to go there and see her friends. She had a ticket to buy.

* * *

The trip was long, it wasn't the best choice to go for one day only. As she would be staying at James and Erin's house, the tiny girl proffered to stay for the entire weekend. On Friday, she passed by her parent's house, where her mother decided to wisely mention _Michelle_ every five minutes, and she has just arrived from the bus station. Otherwise, her friends took her to the new part of the city to celebrate. She was able to tell her friends all they have missed in the last three years, from college to living with Mary and her girlfriend. But her happiness couldn't last forever, she had only eighteen hours to prepare herself to see her curly... _friend_?

She decided to wear her favorite dress. It was blue and short, as always, she wore her pink lipstick and a pair of sneakers, she didn't have to be extremely posh to see her best friends, right?. If she wanted to be completely honest to herself, she secretly wished to look good for someone special. The pub looked the same as always, with the same entrance door, the same tables, and even the same group of friends that would usually spend their time there. The moment she opened the door, she scanned with her eyes looking for a familiar face, Erin and James have been there before to wait for the rest of the gang. After looking for them for a moment, she found them on a table by the window. She slowly walked to the place where they were and sat next to Erin at the table. She was smiling, she was enjoying seeing them again.

"Sorry, I'm late!"

She could recognize that voice anywhere, it _had_ to be her. Her voice _hasn't_ changed, not in _three years_. Fortunately, she couldn't see her, she was behind her back, but she couldn't be there for much longer. Michelle sat in front of her and started talking to Orla, she didn't even look at her, it was still painful. She gave her a small glance and continued talking to Erin. Her heart started beating _hardly_ on her chest again, after three years no many things have changed.

Michelle Mallon was in front of her and she would have to see her more often, Clare didn't question why her eyes never parted from Michelle in the entire night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think will happen next? let me know in the comments!
> 
> Thank you for reading! see you In the next chapter!


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